It feels so fast that 2019 has gone by. Before new year coming soon, I would like to think back about what has happened in 2019 and reflect back to what I can do better in the coming year.
It was really hard in the beginning of early 2019, because I felt that nothing would change and it will be the same this year. But God's timing is amazing. I was given a lot of time to really forget those painful memories, regain myself back and start exercising to be a better version of myself. I challenged myself to be more open, to look at things in a more flexible way.
I trusted myself that I am worthy, I deserved a love that is sure of me from the beginning. I learnt how to enjoy myself even though I am single, which in fact status does not correlate with how you feel about yourself. But in fact, I learnt how to enjoy my own company and focusing more on myself until suddenly someone came along. That was the best surprise I guess (because it was only a week after my birthday).
I used to think I am enough by myself, until liking someone gives me some fears - that is the possibility of being hurt. You open your heart for someone yet there is a fear of being hurt. Sometimes, once in a while, I was so insecure with my relationship, afraid it is not gonna last. What if he saw my bad side, what if after I said this, he would leave me alone? Sometimes I thought with those kind of feelings, which one is better, being single or being a relationship?
Somehow I know those kind of fears rooted from my past experience of being rejected by those guys I invested in much. I tried to forget those moments, yet it still affects me deeply. Then I realize, forgeting does not work in my case, instead I have to forgive and let go. Forgive them and forgive myself as well, that everything that has happened, is not because of my fault.
Thinking back, those memories has affected me in my current relationship. Even though everything is fine, sometimes I feel insecure and I need to eliminate those feelings if I want to move forward with my life. Even without a status, I am going to be fine with myself, I am complete and good with being my own self.
In 2019, I would like to thank God as well for His guidance that I am able to have another working experience in banking sector, a job that I wanted to try before. Thanks God for allowing me to learn about something new, which challenges my limit.
I also want to thank God for His perfect timing. I feel loved. Thanking God for allowing me to have my first concert experience, and it's Ed Sheeran World Divide Tour. How can God be this good to me?! That was an amazing experience, and I could not imagine I could get that close to the stage.
Thinking back, 2019 is really wonderful that I am able to meet some new friends from prewedding session, have prewedding session to Bali two times in a row and also went to Japan last autumn. We used to think that our life does not go so well according to our plan, but if we try to reflect back and learn how much has given to us, life is beautiful indeed. Let's focus on what we have instead of what we do not have. Let's learn how to be grateful for the blessings and live life kindly and humbly.
In 2020, I would like to wish:
1. I am able to conquer my fears, let of my burdens and to love myself
2. Having a high self esteem so that I do not feel lacking every month
3. Exercise regularly (2 times a week) and maintain BMI
4. Eat healthier choice of food
5. To learn new skills and practice meditation regularly
6. Many more which I could not share all of them here
As there are more I would like to do, I wish, next year I could accomplish those all.
Let's live this life with more smile, less hate ~
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