It feels so fast that 2019 has gone by. Before new year coming soon, I would like to think back about what has happened in 2019 and reflect back to what I can do better in the coming year.
It was really hard in the beginning of early 2019, because I felt that nothing would change and it will be the same this year. But God's timing is amazing. I was given a lot of time to really forget those painful memories, regain myself back and start exercising to be a better version of myself. I challenged myself to be more open, to look at things in a more flexible way.
I trusted myself that I am worthy, I deserved a love that is sure of me from the beginning. I learnt how to enjoy myself even though I am single, which in fact status does not correlate with how you feel about yourself. But in fact, I learnt how to enjoy my own company and focusing more on myself until suddenly someone came along. That was the best surprise I guess (because it was only a week after my birthday).
I used to think I am enough by myself, until liking someone gives me some fears - that is the possibility of being hurt. You open your heart for someone yet there is a fear of being hurt. Sometimes, once in a while, I was so insecure with my relationship, afraid it is not gonna last. What if he saw my bad side, what if after I said this, he would leave me alone? Sometimes I thought with those kind of feelings, which one is better, being single or being a relationship?
Somehow I know those kind of fears rooted from my past experience of being rejected by those guys I invested in much. I tried to forget those moments, yet it still affects me deeply. Then I realize, forgeting does not work in my case, instead I have to forgive and let go. Forgive them and forgive myself as well, that everything that has happened, is not because of my fault.
Thinking back, those memories has affected me in my current relationship. Even though everything is fine, sometimes I feel insecure and I need to eliminate those feelings if I want to move forward with my life. Even without a status, I am going to be fine with myself, I am complete and good with being my own self.
In 2019, I would like to thank God as well for His guidance that I am able to have another working experience in banking sector, a job that I wanted to try before. Thanks God for allowing me to learn about something new, which challenges my limit.
I also want to thank God for His perfect timing. I feel loved. Thanking God for allowing me to have my first concert experience, and it's Ed Sheeran World Divide Tour. How can God be this good to me?! That was an amazing experience, and I could not imagine I could get that close to the stage.
Thinking back, 2019 is really wonderful that I am able to meet some new friends from prewedding session, have prewedding session to Bali two times in a row and also went to Japan last autumn. We used to think that our life does not go so well according to our plan, but if we try to reflect back and learn how much has given to us, life is beautiful indeed. Let's focus on what we have instead of what we do not have. Let's learn how to be grateful for the blessings and live life kindly and humbly.
In 2020, I would like to wish:
1. I am able to conquer my fears, let of my burdens and to love myself
2. Having a high self esteem so that I do not feel lacking every month
3. Exercise regularly (2 times a week) and maintain BMI
4. Eat healthier choice of food
5. To learn new skills and practice meditation regularly
6. Many more which I could not share all of them here
As there are more I would like to do, I wish, next year I could accomplish those all.
Let's live this life with more smile, less hate ~
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
Love Never Gives Up on Anyone
Life sure is full of surprises. It was just months ago but something big happened and changed the way I live my life. I do not know how it went up like this, but for sure, I finally found myself a boyfriend. A loving one.
Actually I knew him a day after my 27th birthday. He said "Hi Lishea" and with such an open mindset, I would like to get to know someone new at least. Nothing's wrong with being friendly. Out of sudden, we just made an appointment to meet the next Thrusday evening. But, due to some unavoidable work situation, I couldn't make it and he also couldn't make it at night after work. So the first time we met is a week after we chat briefly. It was also for a short period of two hours during lunch time because I do not want to spend so many hours meeting someone new.
To think about, I don't know myself why I decided to meet him. If he approached me before my 27th birthday and asked me out, I think I am sure I would reject that offer because I am not ready to meet anyone, somehow I made such promise I need time to be alone at least till my birthday.
So that Saturday, I met up with him. He looks better in real life than in picture to be honest. We had our lunch and the conversation was going smoothly. He may not the exact kind of such ideal guy in my mind yet I find him very attractive and I would love to meet with him again.
Things going smoothly, I just like talking to him and without any kind of anxiety or even confusion. It was really effortless. Nothing much happened during that everyday chat. It's just some casual chat with a little bit of jokes and sharing session of my trip to Bali. And, if you asked me what kind of conversation I had with him the first time we met, I swear I forgot. But one thing for sure is that, I remember being myself, sharing pieces of my life story openly and it turns out he likes that vibe of me. After my trip to Bali for about 4 straight days, he called me in the evening after work. I used to reject someone's call if I don't really know that person well. The reason is that because I don't want to engage in a conversation in which I need to find something to talk about. Yeah, that was so lazy of me. But I don't know why at that evening, I just picked up the call without any reasoning. Maybe because he didn't reply to my last chat and I just decided to answer him. So anyway, that was the first time I heard his voice after the first meeting (ofcourse I forgot how his voice sounds like before).
He has such a deep and nice voice to hear and I remembered he asked where I am at that time. He talked about the traffic and how busy he was today at work - which made me surprised that I do not need to think about what to ask or say. But there was a feeling that I need to stop the phone call, even though the other reason is because I need to eat my dinner as well. After that phone call, everything feels different - somewhat I feel happy.
The next morning, I need to go to Soekarno Hatta International Airport for my first flight to Kuala Lumpur. Unexpectedly, he called right before my boarding time, and I missed the call and I decided to call him back before going for flight. It was just a brief moment, yet, the feeling is so special. We didn't meet that week and he went to Singapore as well for business trip. But we kept in touch by sharing photos, experiences and many more - till there was a time when he suddenly call at night when he was in the hotel, asking me to accompany him to bed. That was awkward to talk about an hour with someone I just met once.
To think back, I did that so called 'talk' before with someone I met briefly in a wedding party. After many years, he contacted me again by phone and we did talk about an hour (which was very awkward for me), but in the end, it didn't turn out well with that person.
This time, I told myself not to think much about having a call from him and just let things unfold naturally. After that call, the conversation wents smoothly with a bit of banter around and we decided to meet for a second date next week, which is around 2 weeks away after our first meeting. The funny thing is that, instead of being worry and anxious - not wanting to meet, I found myself waiting for the weekend, excited and anticipated to meet him.
And so, things are going smoothly and here we are, I found myself a boyfriend :D
I remembered after we got together, he revealed that he miss me as well after his Singapore business trip and cannot wait to meet up with me too (that was after our first meeting but we haven't planned for the next meeting).
A lot of emotional moment actually to even reach this stage. But I am sure of one thing, from the first time, there is no such anxiety or confusion and I feel his feeling is true with me - no such doubts about it and as I said before, relationship needs two people to work on that together. And it should never been a one-sided effort, because a real feeling would never make you confused in the beginning. All would be clear and you do not have to question what you mean to him/her.
I like how straight forward he is with his feeling and his intention right from the beginning and I do not know why, but I can sense he could balance my character as in we both do not know why but it happens our personality attracts each other effortlessly. He feels he can be himself when he is around me and I feel peace when I am with him. Maybe, that's true, it will happen at the right time.
So, have faith. The right person will come at the right time. Love never gives up on anyone who believes in love.
Cheers!~
Actually I knew him a day after my 27th birthday. He said "Hi Lishea" and with such an open mindset, I would like to get to know someone new at least. Nothing's wrong with being friendly. Out of sudden, we just made an appointment to meet the next Thrusday evening. But, due to some unavoidable work situation, I couldn't make it and he also couldn't make it at night after work. So the first time we met is a week after we chat briefly. It was also for a short period of two hours during lunch time because I do not want to spend so many hours meeting someone new.
To think about, I don't know myself why I decided to meet him. If he approached me before my 27th birthday and asked me out, I think I am sure I would reject that offer because I am not ready to meet anyone, somehow I made such promise I need time to be alone at least till my birthday.
So that Saturday, I met up with him. He looks better in real life than in picture to be honest. We had our lunch and the conversation was going smoothly. He may not the exact kind of such ideal guy in my mind yet I find him very attractive and I would love to meet with him again.
Things going smoothly, I just like talking to him and without any kind of anxiety or even confusion. It was really effortless. Nothing much happened during that everyday chat. It's just some casual chat with a little bit of jokes and sharing session of my trip to Bali. And, if you asked me what kind of conversation I had with him the first time we met, I swear I forgot. But one thing for sure is that, I remember being myself, sharing pieces of my life story openly and it turns out he likes that vibe of me. After my trip to Bali for about 4 straight days, he called me in the evening after work. I used to reject someone's call if I don't really know that person well. The reason is that because I don't want to engage in a conversation in which I need to find something to talk about. Yeah, that was so lazy of me. But I don't know why at that evening, I just picked up the call without any reasoning. Maybe because he didn't reply to my last chat and I just decided to answer him. So anyway, that was the first time I heard his voice after the first meeting (ofcourse I forgot how his voice sounds like before).
He has such a deep and nice voice to hear and I remembered he asked where I am at that time. He talked about the traffic and how busy he was today at work - which made me surprised that I do not need to think about what to ask or say. But there was a feeling that I need to stop the phone call, even though the other reason is because I need to eat my dinner as well. After that phone call, everything feels different - somewhat I feel happy.
The next morning, I need to go to Soekarno Hatta International Airport for my first flight to Kuala Lumpur. Unexpectedly, he called right before my boarding time, and I missed the call and I decided to call him back before going for flight. It was just a brief moment, yet, the feeling is so special. We didn't meet that week and he went to Singapore as well for business trip. But we kept in touch by sharing photos, experiences and many more - till there was a time when he suddenly call at night when he was in the hotel, asking me to accompany him to bed. That was awkward to talk about an hour with someone I just met once.
To think back, I did that so called 'talk' before with someone I met briefly in a wedding party. After many years, he contacted me again by phone and we did talk about an hour (which was very awkward for me), but in the end, it didn't turn out well with that person.
This time, I told myself not to think much about having a call from him and just let things unfold naturally. After that call, the conversation wents smoothly with a bit of banter around and we decided to meet for a second date next week, which is around 2 weeks away after our first meeting. The funny thing is that, instead of being worry and anxious - not wanting to meet, I found myself waiting for the weekend, excited and anticipated to meet him.
And so, things are going smoothly and here we are, I found myself a boyfriend :D
I remembered after we got together, he revealed that he miss me as well after his Singapore business trip and cannot wait to meet up with me too (that was after our first meeting but we haven't planned for the next meeting).
A lot of emotional moment actually to even reach this stage. But I am sure of one thing, from the first time, there is no such anxiety or confusion and I feel his feeling is true with me - no such doubts about it and as I said before, relationship needs two people to work on that together. And it should never been a one-sided effort, because a real feeling would never make you confused in the beginning. All would be clear and you do not have to question what you mean to him/her.
I like how straight forward he is with his feeling and his intention right from the beginning and I do not know why, but I can sense he could balance my character as in we both do not know why but it happens our personality attracts each other effortlessly. He feels he can be himself when he is around me and I feel peace when I am with him. Maybe, that's true, it will happen at the right time.
So, have faith. The right person will come at the right time. Love never gives up on anyone who believes in love.
Cheers!~
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