How To Heal From Past Experiences (Bully, Being Ghosted, Rejection)

Hello all, it's been a long time I haven't made any personal post. In this opportunity, I would like to write and discuss about insecurity. I know, I have talked about this before, but in this post, I would like to talk more specifically regarding feeling insecurity related to the ability to deal with rejection and how to heal from there. 

Have I ever told this story? 

I used to have a little difference with other kids. Staring when I was 2 years old maybe, I was diagnosed with amblyopia. What's that? So, basically amblyopia or with easier term 'lazy eyes' is a disorder of sight in which the brain fails to process inputs from one eye and over time favors the other eye.
It reduced vision in one eye caused by abnormal visual development early in life. The weaker — or lazy — eye often wanders inward or outward. Amblyopia generally develops from birth up to age 7 years. 

It is the leading cause of decreased vision among children. Rarely, lazy eye affects both eyes.

Early diagnosis and treatment can help prevent long-term problems with your child's vision. The eye with poorer vision can usually be corrected with glasses or contact lenses, or patching therapy. In my case, it affects my left eye, which somehow my left eyes wanders outward. When it was checked, it turns out my left eye diagnosed with -7, which I was prescribed with glasses. At that time, from what I heard from my mother is that, the doctor told my mom to cover my stronger eyes with tissue and force the lazy eye to operate in my daily activities - but as a mother who see such a young toddlers having a hard time to walk with one eye closed is hard. Besides, there was part of my fault too that I kept throwing the tissue. Adjusting daily activities with one eye close seems like very uncomfortable, you just cannot do anything. 

However, those action and excuses are wrong because if treated earlier before I turn 17 years old, it may help the lazy eyes getting better. But, I guess that's the treatment - I have not found the evidence that it can be completely cured. 

During my early days, I had nothing to complain about as I've been living normally with amblyopia - except for the eyes wanders outward. I still can do my daily activity using my right eye - this doesn't mean that I didn't use my left eye, it just that the vision is weaker on the other side. From zero, my right eye becomes - 7 every year (maybe this due to one-eye functioning or the assumption to balance the left eye, thus I've been changing glasses a lot since I was in elementary school). How weaker is the left eye? I can only read huge single letter within 1 meter radius. The smaller there letter, the more I can't read it - but for huge things like chair and table, I can see it properly. Until now, the minus itself still consistently the same, never been reduced nor increased. 

What makes it harder when I was a young child is when those friends around you make fun of my condition - specially about the eye that wanders outward. I remember the time when I walked through my classroom, someone called Kevin suddenly mock my eyes - and it left big scars for me. I didn't do anything which hurts him at that time, but why he made fun of me? Does he think it is something funny to insulted me like that? 

Going to the Ophthalmologist has never been an easy trip. My mother once left me in the street because she's upset that I didn't practice the eye patched - and the condition of my left eye never improved, instead more minus. The more minus it was added, the more I feel down. But, interesting story is this, the Doctor (I forget the name - very old and traditional type), she knew from the first time that I had amblyopia and still expect me to read small letter within 3 meter radius - the more I couldn't read, the more she add more minus into my glasses. Those were times when there is no microscope to check your minus, until I went to Klinik Mata Nusantara (KMN) and they did several test before I met with my doctor. It turns out that my minus for the left eye is still the same, -7, but my glasses at that time already reach -9. So funny, right? I never go back to that old Doctor anymore. 

During my visit to KMN, my Doctor suggested me to go under operation for the wandering eyes, so that the muscle can be fixed. The operation is not intended to fixed the lazy eyes, but it will help the eyes to move 'normally' instead. And so after so many considerations, I went through the operation when I was in my junior high school. After that, my eyes is normal, the lazy eyes is still there but didn't affect my daily life until now. 

What's left maybe those scars, my schoolmate who was mocking me at that time. But since it was fixed, I guess there will be no more story of that - as I am normal now at least according to society standard - the same like any other junior high school girl. Then I entered my Senior High School which a new school, there were few of my old school graduates who enter this school with me.

My first year of Senior High School was not easy. I was a typical young girl who focus on my study, never really bothered about looks and such. I tied my hair in a ponytail, wear glasses and quiet girl. There is one guy, named Greggy who suddenly one day with his group started to bully me. He took photos of my private parts and giggled about. I remembered one time, he threw leftover tissue to my face - I don't know what made him do that. The thing is that I assume that there is someone who report what happened in that class to our Homeroom Teacher and everyone thought it was me. But THAT WAS NOT ME at all. It hurts my self - because it felt that I don't have any friends in that class. I've been thinking what is wrong with me, is that because I didn't look like any other girl in that class who put makeup and let their hair down? So, the next day I changed my look, I let my hair down and put makeup (at least eyebrow and compact powder) but nothing significant had changed. But Greggy had become more quiet after some time. 

The bully was so traumatic that I ever consider to move to another school, but I survived my first year.
I haven't had any closure to be honest, and when it was time to move to another year, I had this sort of anxiety that I would be the same class with him. So I begged my mother to call school and explain the situation so that I can be in different class and yes, that happened. My second year went through smoothly, actually I was afraid if I wasn't able to make friends. But here I met my best friend from Senior High School and I gained back my confidence. My best friend told me that there is nothing wrong with me and the bullying before is pure because of Greggy's immature action. 

I graduated from my senior high school finally and had fun and exciting times at University, besides things have changed a lot from there. I learnt how to do makeup, I knew which side of my face looks better on camera and such. I became more bold and knew what I want.

Few years later, I also had a crush on someone I met briefly, named Paulus - had exchanged number but suddenly he ghosted me. It took me quite sometime to gain my energy back. I remember how much I wonder why he ghosted me. I knew that we were both stayed in different country but you see, without much disclosure, your mind wanders here and there looking for what I can do better so that the next one won't leave me the way Paulus did. I took all the blame for myself - that I was not attractive enough,
I was not on society standard, I was not beautiful enough, I was not funny enough, I was not good enough and many many more. Till now, I didn't get any closure though. 

After that I was introduced with another overseas guy as well, named Henry. We had never met, but basically I had those image in my mind and thought that this guy seems like a match with me. We chatted several times - and I, myself, had expected something out of it. I thought I should make this work at least coz I am tired of being ghosted and rejected. But things didn't go anywhere until I found out 1.5 years later after I invested my time on him, that he had a girlfriend - an Indo girl as well, a long distance relationship as well. I remembered that time when he told me that he never thought of doing LDR because it's hard but in the end he did with someone else. That girlfriend had already become his wife now. Yes, that was hard blow for me - it took me another 1 year to move on. But during those times, I always thought why he didn't choose me instead, why? Is that because I didn't have nice smile as her? Is that because I was boring and unattractive? Or why? There were too many thoughts inside me, which eventually made me wonder about my worthiness. 

Those story and experiences eventually made me unconsciously thought I was not good enough, that I need to be "normal" & "similar to other people" so that I can be accepted in the society - and I need to do my very very best to be get accepted. Unconsciously, I seek for approval of other people, I seek for their validation that I exist. At some point, because I used to the feeling of being rejected, I thought I didn't deserve to be happy - that I only deserved to be left alone. These are those false belief:

"I feel as though I am not good enough for those who care about me."

"If someone ever falls in love with me, I better do my best to prove myself worthy, because it may never happen again."

"People will only respect me if I'm good-looking and/or successful."

"I modify my personality, opinions, or appearance in order to be accepted by others."

Reminders If You Are In Your 20s & Feel Stuck in Life

"Nothing will ruin your 20s more than thinking you should have your life together already."

Have you ever woken up one day, completely clueless with no direction? We all have gone through such feelings before. Everywhere you look, you come across people who you think are at a better place in life than you are, and that suffocating feeling just drags you down further. Stuck in life, at a job, at home, or at relationships, the feeling of being less than what you expect yourself, just pulls you apart. These are some feelings that every 20-something has gone through in their life. In this haphazard way of life, we often forget to form meaningful relationships, find something that means a lot to us, and a place where we can actually be happy. If this is what you also go through, then remember it is okay, it is a process you go through to reach a better place. But before that, you need to remind yourself that everything is going to be okay. So, every one of you, who is looking at their life right now, and wondering if it will ever get better or not, here are 20 things to remind yourself.

1. You are enough. 

2. Your circle of friends gets smaller, but the quality of people gets better.

3. You are your own greatest asset, and it’s probably time you started giving yourself more credit.

4. Avoid comparing yourself to what you see on social media. The grass always looks greener on the other side.

5. People will judge you anyway, so do what makes you happy.

6. Let go of toxic relationships and anything that doesn’t help you grow.

7. You still have a long way to go, don't beat yourself up because of small disappointments or failures.

8. There is no specific age at which you need to have a job, travel the world, have a healthy relationship, or have children. Things will come into your life when the time is right, don't chase after goals set according to other people's achievements. 

9. Stop being fearful of rejection, be courageous and tell people how you feel. 

10. Shitty people will say and do shitty things, and the best thing you can do is ignore it.

11. No one has the right to make you feel guilty about the life choices that you have made so far, be it related to your work, your relationships, or even your sex life.

12. When your job gets really tough, that’s when you have to realise how much you care about your work, or how much you need to find a different job.

13. Remember that you work to live, you don’t live to work.

14. Get a hobby that makes you feel good about yourself and follow it with all your heart.

15. Laughter is the greatest form of therapy. So do it often, alone or with people who make you feel good about yourself. Laugh and let go.

16. A stable relationship does not have to necessarily mean having a romantic partner.

17. Losing love is better than never having that love at all. So don't ever stop yourself from falling in love. Take the plunge, my friend.

18. Document your journey and important events in life so that you can be more self-reflective. You will notice things about yourself that you never did before.

19. Call your parents and don’t be too proud to ask them for advice. They may be wrong sometimes, but their experience in life may turn out to be helpful. 

20. Be passionate, be fearless, and go after what you want in life.

Insecurity & Learning How To Love

I believe this topic is really important in today's society yet rarely being talked directly upon.

Most of us feel insecure sometimes, but some of us feel insecure most of the time. The kind of childhood you had, past traumas, recent experiences of failure or rejection, loneliness, social anxiety, negative beliefs about yourself, perfectionism, or having a critical parent or partner can all contribute to insecurity. Here's three big type of insecurity

Type 1: Insecurity Based on Recent Failure or Rejection

Recent events in our lives can greatly affect both our mood and the way we feel about ourselves. Research on happiness suggests that up to 40% of our “happiness quotient” is based on recent life events. The biggest negative contributor to happiness is the ending of a relationship, followed by the death of a spouse, job loss, and negative health events. Since unhappiness also influences your self-esteem, failure and rejection can deliver a double whammy to your confidence. And those of us who have lower self-esteem to begin with are more reactive to failure. It’s as if an experience like losing your job grabs old negative beliefs about your self-worth and activates them.

Type 2: Lack of Confidence Because of Social Anxiety

Many of us experience a lack of confidence in social situations like parties, family gatherings, interviews, and dates. The fear of being evaluated by others—and found to be lacking—can lead you to feel anxious and self-conscious. As a result, you may avoid social situations, experience anxiety when you anticipate social events, or feel self-conscious and uncomfortable during them. Past experience can feed your sense of not belonging, not feeling important or interesting, or just not being good enough. 

Type 3: Insecurity Driven by Perfectionism

Some of us have very high standards for everything we do. You may want the highest grades, the best job, the perfect figure, the most beautifully decorated apartment or house, neat and polite kids, or the ideal partner. Unfortunately, life doesn’t always turn out exactly the way we want, even if we work extra hard. There is a piece of the outcome that is at least to some degree out of our control. Bosses may be critical, jobs may be scarce, partners may resist commitment, or you may have genes that make it difficult to be skinny. If you are constantly disappointed and blaming yourself for being anything less than perfect, you will start to feel insecure and unworthy. While trying your best and working hard can give you an advantage, other aspects of perfectionism that are unhealthy. Beating up on yourself and constantly worrying about not being good enough can lead to depression and anxiety, eating disorders, or chronic fatigue.

Perfectionists often have conditional self-esteem: They like themselves when they are on top and dislike themselves when things don't go their way. 

After so many years of being single, I found myself involved with someone. The idea of someone new coming into your life is kinda special for me. I thought I was matured enough to handle relationship, to care for someone and being part of each other life. So what was my expectation from a relationship? Thinking hard, I expect a maturity in being together, to grow together either it is physically, mentally, spiritually and financially. I always thought when you love and are happy with yourself, everything else will fall into your life. Then I assumed, when I found my special someone, that means I am happy with my life and will continue to be happy. They said, when you love yourself enough, then love will come to you.

But to be honest, finding your special someone requires you to take a step back, to really analyze yourself whether you are truly happy with yourself. And for my case, I did. I am happy with my life at that point in time. I learn how to be able to enjoy my own companion, to be comfortable with my own self and being my best self without pretending to be someone else. When I met him, I thought I do not need to concern about loving myself anymore. Yet, learning how to love and stay in love with yourself is a lifetime learning. I believe by learning how to love yourself first then you will know how to love others, period. 

Once in a while, my insecurity comes and sometimes I forget how I value myself. One of the cases is when I thought I was mature enough not to think about his ex-girlfriend or any other girls, but after looking at social media consistently, I found myself unconciously comparing myself to them. That's not healthy I know. I thought I won't care much about the past, but sometimes those feelings would just come. It was hard for me to process those thoughts.

I kept thinking, why those thoughts come across occasionally? Is that because of he does not treat me in a good way or does not show his love for me? What was lacking in our relationship? 

I realized that everything is good actually. That's me being subjective and assume that he does not care for me, even though he cares for me a lot. I assumed that I am not important to him. I assumed myself that I am not good enough, that he will leave me alone one day.  

Those kind of inner critic and negative self-talk is something I need to get rid of. I always thought that my insecurity comes from being rejected from my past experience, yet if one day I finally found my special someone, everything would be alright. But let me tell you one important thing, THAT'S NOT THE CASE. Your insecurity do not come from outside situation or condition. It's within you that you have to look inside.

I realize those insecure feelings usually stems from my low self-esteem which comes from all the insecurities and constant comparing. But why should you compare an apple to a banana? It does not have any point, right?

"What's not so good about you that is good about other person?" That's when I realize, there is nothing not good about me. Then what's the point of comparing now?

The past is already in the past and that person may no longer part of your life and you should instead do not bother with its existence anymore. That person was in the past, so there is a great deal of reasons why the relationship ends and why he/she choose to be with you now. And I need to trust that. Then I read this and it resonates with me the most;

“I learned that one of the most vulnerable parts of loving someone is trusting that they love you back, and I need to be generous in my assumptions.” (Brene Brown, Rising Strong)

That left me that if I like someone, means I need to trust that other person that he likes me too. And to be generous in my assumption is that by trusting the best possible scenario instead of worrying about the worst.

I used to keep all thoughts in me and never speak out what I wanted or needed. But he managed to get me to speak out what I feel and why I feel like that. By being open and vulnerable, I told him what I have been feeling and what I hope for the future. 

I realize that instead of making a lot of assumptions, I need to be able to communicate better what I want and learning how to love.
I realize then that I have to tame down my self critic and let the past be my lesson instead of my enemy. I learn it the hard way that;

I am worthy.
I do not need someone else's opinion about me.
I am good and complete.
I accept my imperfect self.
I love myself.
I feel happy by being my own self.
I feel loved and cared for.
I am important.

That's when I think working on self-esteem issues is really important. Try to focus on what you can do better as a person instead of comparing to others. Here is what you can do:

1. Stop Comparing and Start Believing in Yourself.

Everyone's life is different. You cannot compare an apple to an orange. Comparison is unfair to start with. You cannot compare your beginning to someone's middle. Even if you compare strength to strength, there will always be those who are better, and those who are worse.

Try to be aware of when you start comparing yourself to others … once you’ve developed this awareness, try this trick: stop yourself. Tell yourself, “Stop that!” And then start thinking about all the things you DO have, the things you love, the people you have, the blessings that life has given you. Make this a regular practice, and you’ll start to be happier with your life.

2. Accept Yourself for What You Really Are

Can you learn to like yourself even when you are not doing well? Focus on inner qualities like your character, sincerity, or good values, rather than just on what grades you get, how much you get paid, or how many people like you.

3. Count Your Blessings

A better focus is on what you do have, on what you are already blessed with. Count what you have, not what you don’t. Think about how lucky you are to have what you have, to have the people in your life who care about you, to be alive at all.

4. Be OK with imperfection. 

No one is perfect — intellectually, we all know that, but emotionally we seem to feel bad when we don’t reach perfection. You aren’t perfect and you never will be. I certainly am not, and I’ve learned to be OK with that. Sure, keep trying to improve, but don’t think you’ll ever be the “perfect person”. If you look at it in a different way, that imperfection is what makes you who you are, you already are perfect.

We tend to be our own harshest critics. My best friend always tells me to be kind to myself and let go certain control and idealism. But that's true, I am the one who used to set such high standard on my own self. My idealistic way of thinking wants every single thing to be under my control. Perfectionism is a really a real deal. I always said to myself that I have to learn how to accept there are things that out of my control and try to be perfect is impossible because no one is perfect. I knew it, yet I might need some reminder, sometimes. 

5. Learn to Love Enough

If you always want what others have, you will never have enough. You will always want more. That’s an endless cycle, and it will never lead to happiness. No matter how many clothes you buy, no matter how many houses you own (seven, in the case of one famous candidate), no matter how many fancy cars you acquire … you’ll never have enough. Instead, learn to realize that what you have is already enough. If you have shelter over your head, food on the table, clothes on your back, and people who love you, you are blessed. You have enough. Anything you have over and above that — and let’s admit that all of us reading this blog have more than that — is more than enough. Be good with that, and you’ll find contentment.

When it comes to your self-worth, only one opinion truly matters — your own. 

In the end, no matter what status you have, no matter what kind of job you do, happiness is something we found within. Our happiness does not depend on someone else or even someone else's opinion about you. We should feel complete by ourself and loving ourself is not a one time off lesson, as it is a lifetime learning. 

Let's have a more positive way of thinking ~

“To love is to stop comparing.” – Bernard Grasset

“Don't think about forever. Think about today. And whenever you are together. Focus on how you can validate, respect, appreciate and care for one another. And what a wonderful love you have created, When you think a love that will last forever, you tend to forget to focus on the now...and that's how love dies. The most important purpose of the relationship is for you to become a more loving person.”

Finally I Found The Answer

Hi everyone, welcome to the month of August! My last post was about three weeks ago, but it feels like months since I do some updates. First, I am really sorry I haven't been able to do a recap on what I watched recently. So many things happened. Work is a bit overload - additionaly with lots of activities which make me unable to start a new drama. I will surely do a review soon enough after I find a good drama to watch! Feel free to drop a recommendation as well :)

Second, I just want to give an update about my life. This evening, I've been reading my older blog post, specially on this topic Today Only and Finding Closure posted on February & January 2019 respectively. I remember myself struggling to find the right closure, even there were times I hope things would change. But thankfully, I think, I finally found the answer, which in the end I am sure, it's the right way, the path God wants me to take, to let me go through that period till I know what truly matters in the end.

I did meet someone who can see my previous life (not sure whether you'd believe it), yet she said, actually there was a red string between me and that person before - the one I used to write in my post before. She said, we were indeed a couple in my previous life, yet, in this lifetime, maybe we are only fated for a short period of time. And according to her, it was all because I am not making real effort to make things work and even though I did, it's only up to the point where he didn't see it the same way. Admittedly, I am afraid of getting hurt which people would see I didn't do any effort, but it takes a huge courage to really initiate a conversation with him. I know it was a baby steps but he saw it as if my response is just whatever. What hurt most is that early this year, he met another girl who's his previous previous life's wife and she's very aggressive, and they are fated in this lifetime to be together. 

To be honest, when I heard about this, it feels very hurtful, as if I didn't do anything to make things work. It was like all of it is because of my fault. One of the reasons why it hurts is because he said to me before that he would never consider to do a long distance relationship, yet he enters into a long distance relationship with his now girlfriend, while also posting about how he never thought of doing long distance until he met her, who is worth all the effort and all the wait. Bullshit.

Then, I realize, things are not like that. Relationship needs two person to come together. Fated or not, you still need to make effort to make things work and it should never been a one-sided effort, because a real feeling would never make you confused in the beginning. All would be clear and you do not have to question what you mean to him.

And that's when I realized, we are not fated in this lifetime indeed - not that we are fated but the fate is short. That just doesn't fit with what I believe. 

I believe if we are truly fated, things should flow effortless, no more confusing stage where I would question what I mean to him, his intention would be very clear that he is interested right from the beginning and I believe it should really be like that. I deserve a love that is sure of me from the beginning, right? And that's my final answer. 

Cheers.

Growing Old Another Year and Quarter Life Crisis

I don't know when it started, but it always happens every year when time come to the month of July - there is an exciting yet terrifying feeling. Another year to be grateful, for being healthy and entering another phase of life - an adulthood yet it's kinda scary because even though I am gonna be 27 years old, there are many things I haven't figured out yet.

To be honest, it's not about the feeling of getting older that scares me most, but the fact that I still feel like a teenager who just finished uni and figuring out life. It feels only few years back when I finished my university and started working in real life. But it has been 7 years since I graduated - yet I still don't know whether I go on the right path. I still feel like there are many things I haven't achieved yet, much or less many things I don't know as well. If time could turn back, I wished school could teach us how to be a proper adult, how to stand up in the real world, how to handle with real life instead of all theoretical stuffs.

When I was in my university year, I used to make plan about my life, like by 30 I should have achieved A, B, C, D, E and etc, should already know about this stuff or that stuff, should be a charming grown up who knows where she wants to go, should have worked on what set my soul on fire and what I am passionate about. But then, the reality kicks in. 

I realized, when I am here, soon to be a 27 years old woman, I'm still figuring out life - still working on 9am to 6pm corporate job, haven't even achieved anything yet - even though I managed to get a title by 25 years old. I may not a charming woman yet like Im Soo Jung in Search:WWW and still considering much on what I should focus on my career. 

I know, I may not be where I want to be yet, but for sure, I am on the way to where I want to be. By these, reality teaches me to let go of a certain standard and accept what has happened to me and be grateful about it. Although the road may not be always easy, but I am still hanging in there. At this point, I realize that life may not always go as I want and I learn to let go of that control, let life do its best for me, as long as I work hard, have faith and believe that it's gonna come true.

I learn how to live in the present without worrying too much about the future. My best friend said to me, that I need to love and understand myself, instead of being the harshest critic on oneself. I need to put down that "should" in everything I want to achieve. There is no such timeline in life. Each and everyone of us has different timing and that cannot be forced upon. 

Everyone's journey is different and I ought to let go of that control. The more I try to control something, the more the world won't allow it to happen to me. So I just need to stay back, relax a bit, stop overthinking and start having faith - letting God do what He wants to do with my life, that includes finding the right person as well.

Additionally, I was reminded of years back, how amazing it was to hang out late at night, how cool it is to get drunk and come home late. Yet, these days, those things do not even amaze me. It's true about getting older - in the end I learn how to be comfortable with my own self. There is no necessity to go out Friday night after work when I feel tired - so going home early is a better choice without the need to be cool to stay out like those teenagers.

Getting older let me think a lot of things, like being serious about where I wanna go; what I want in life and to seriously taking responsibilities of my life. And, somehow the way I thought about things also change - it feels like I am growing as a person; as a real adult. At this age, I want to have a stable career, stable job or even side job that pays well, a stable relationship, and also to build my own family. I guess I am here not to play around anymore - as there are goals I need to achieve and seriously thinking about accomplishing those things.

Hopefully the universe will make it work for me as well.

Cheers!

How To Get Inspired

“If we look at the world with a love of life, the world will reveal its beauty to us.” ~Daisaku Ikeda

We all want to feel moved, and then to use that to create love, joy, passion, and purpose.

If you’ve been feeling stuck or uninspired, these ideas may help you find inspiration:

Find Inspiration in Nature

1. Go for a walk in nature, practice mindfulness, and lose track of time for a while.

2. Meditate or practice yoga in a nearby park.

3. Watch children playing at the park then make a point to carry their spirit with you throughout the day.

4. Watch your cat or dog in nature and try to emulate your pet’s mindfulness and playfulness.

5. Take a camera outside and photograph everything that looks beautiful to you.

6. Practice deep breathing while listening to nature sounds.

7. Draw or paint a scene outside your window.

8. Watch Planet Earth DVDs to experience beauty of the oceans, forests, jungles, Great Plains, and caves.

9. Get lost in nature photos online.

10. Spend some time contemplating nature-based art.

Find Inspiration on the Web

11. Watch a TED video to learn about inspiring ideas.

12. Search for tweets with the hashtag #inspiration using the Twitter search functionality.

13. Post an inspiring video, like Validation or The Tutu Project. Then be an active part of the conversation in the comments.

14. Read blogs written by people who have overcome adversity.

15. Join a forum of people who can relate to your challenges.

16. Browse through inspirational quotes on Tiny Buddha.

17. Share yourself vulnerably and authentically in a blog post—give inspiration to receive it.

18. Learn about ways to change the world through social media.

19. Watch 40 Inspirational Speeches in 2 Minutes.

20. Search Facebook for new inspirational pages to follow.

Find Inspiration in Possibilities

21. Try something you’ve always assumed you can’t do but secretly wanted to try.

22. Teach someone to do something and tap into your potential as a leader.

23. Immerse yourself in learning something new and allow yourself to forget about the limitations of time.

24. Write a bucket list of all the things you’d like to do in your lifetime.

25. Create a vision board with pictures of all of those things.

26. Brainstorm for ideas for a new project.

27. Think about the challenges you face and identify possibly solutions.

28. Submit your resume for a dream job instead of assuming you can’t get it.

29. Attend a conference or retreat to connect with like-minded people.

30. Read 50 Ways to Open Your World to New Possibilities and pick one to try today.

Find Inspiration in People

31. Ask someone you love what they consider to be the most important thing they’ve ever learned.

32. Ask everyone you see today what they’re grateful for.

33. Ask someone to tell you about the thing they love the most in life, and watch how they light up sharing their passion.

34. Ask your parents to tell you what you were like as a child, and remember what mattered to you then.

35. Notice what matters to someone and focus solely on how they experience it.

36. Join an organization of people making a positive difference in the world.

37. Read an autobiography by someone who has marched to the beat of their own drummer.

38. Listen to music that moves you and think about what the songwriter felt when s/he wrote it.

39. Make a list of all the ways your friends and family members are your heroes. Odds are, there’s a lot of inspiration around you already.

40. Spend time with children and see the world through their eyes.

Find Inspiration in Yourself

41. Disconnect for a while and write in a journal.

42. Make today the day you embrace a new healthy habit that can change your life for the better.

43. Give yourself a pressure-free day with nothing to do except the things you enjoy.

44. Try something new and revel in the sensation of stretching beyond your comfort zone.

45. Express yourself creatively in a way you never have before, by sculpting, for example, and see what comes in your mind and heart.

46. Enjoy something you created in the past—a blog post, a video, a drawing, or a project.

47. Sing in the shower. Put your heart into and release your feelings through music.

48. Recognize in yourself the strengths you see in other people.

49. Make a conscious decision to let go of something that doesn’t serve you.

50. Reflect on everything you’ve learned and accomplished and how you’ve made a positive difference in the world.

What inspired you today?

Struggle with Letting Go

The phrase “let it go” used to really irritate me because I didn’t know what it meant or exactly how to do it. And there are times when I still struggle with it a lot. I thought I have been freed but not until I made decision myself last week, I think I wouldn't be free.

That’s some serious let go if you’ve never experienced it.

But the kind of letting go that involves a conscious choice versus a physical action, can be extremely challenging and scary. It can also be painful as hell if it’s not something you’re ready to do: especially if your heart and mind are singing two different songs.

Letting go in this sense is releasing all doubt, worry, and fear about a situation, person or outcome.

It’s releasing anything that disrupts your happiness and no longer serves you on your journey.

Letting go is a choice to decide that you will no longer ruminate on things that are out of your control, and focus on what you can control, instead.

Letting go creates space for fresh beginnings: stripping you of what happened yesterday, and enabling the doors of brand new opportunities to open today.

Letting go is about accepting what is happening right now and not worrying about what will come up tomorrow.

It involves much more than just saying you have let go. It’s an internal process that must happen for you to truly feel better and get on with life in a healthy way.

Last week, when I really had a hard time letting go and separating between what's on my mind and what I really feel, I finally decided to just visit a psychologist. Even though I knew the answer on my mind, I think I might need a closure, just a word from her to really treat my wound, anxiety, curiosity, anger and also fears.

What surprises me is that she could really understand what I feel. I know exactly that this cannot be considered as closure from him. But she told me, that things could work if you force it to happen. But what's the point of forcing something into your way? Do you want to make effort for the relationship when it is you, the one, who make the one-sided effort?

That's when I realize, what was the reason when I decided to turn back last time?
It was because out of my character. I do not want to chase someone just to make it work, but I am the one who lead the relationship and make effort to make it work. Never. I won't.
I believe relationship should be two sided and I want someone to really cherish me and our relationship.

That point really make me realize, that I really have to let go so that better things could come. I should really cut myself out of that unhealthy relationship and be on my own way.
Loving myself and understanding where I want to be.

That's when I feel calm and really happy for being free from the feelings.
It's not a complete closure I know, but I do not care anymore, because it's me who decides to leave, not him. It's me who choose to stay away from things that do not deserve my existence. And I really would like to thank my dear friend Hana & boss J who are by my side, supporting me to not giving up my life and believing that there would be more blessings in the coming days!

Cheers

Glaukoma: Slow Progress Disease

Today, I decided to run a check-up for my eyes after my last visit in 2015 at Klinik Mata Nusantara (KMN). I had such a long history with KMN since 2006 where I first came as their patient. This time, I thought it is only for a regular check up as I do not have any problems with my sight so far.

I met my old Doctor, Dr Soeharnila SpM, who is very glad to meet me after three years. I complained to her the first time I met her again, because the eye drop make my eyes feel a bit weird and explained to her about what I worry about but she ensured that everything is fine and my eyes are very good indeed since the degree of my minus is stable enough since 2015. 

Since I did a regular check up, she suggested me to take OCT scan because it seems the pressures in my eyes are a bit high, but she thought maybe it was because of high degree of myopia (minus lenses needed) . Because I have never taken one, I had my right eyes to be scanned and checked on the Pachymetry (thickness of the cornea) and Ophthalmoscopy (shape and color of the optic nerve). After they run a test, my Doctor found the pressures is indeed is high but can be compensated with the thickness of the cornea, but then she would like me to visit another Doctor who is specialized for glaucoma to be more specific and precise. 

I was very lazy to make an appointment for the other time so I had the second appointment straight away with Dr Martin Sondak, SpM. He is a very friendly doctor who is good at explaining about glaucoma. Glaucoma is a group of eye diseases which result in damage to the optic nerve and permanent vision loss and is also categorized as a slow progressing disease. He said that based on my OCT scan, the first impression is that there is a little bit of suspicion for glaucoma. But there were so many tests to be run first before concluding it. 

Risk factors for glaucoma include increased pressure in the eye, a family history of the condition, and high blood pressure. But I had no family history for glaucoma and I have a low blood pressure. Usually, he explained for eye pressures a value of greater than 21 mmHg or 2.8 kPa is often used with higher pressures leading to a greater risk. However, some may have high eye pressure for years and never develop damage. Conversely, optic nerve damage may occur with normal pressure, known as normal-tension glaucoma.

So, he ran few tests on me, which is Tonometry (to check inner eye pressure through pressure applied by a puff of warm air or a tiny tool). Fyi, eye drops may be used to numb the eye. Gonioscopy (a hand-held contact lens with a mirror is placed gently on the eye to allow the examiner to see the angle between the cornea and the iris). He then put all together the pieces, saying the normal pressures for normal eyes is about 10-21 mmHg, which mine is around 14 and 15 for both eyes. 

But, since glaucoma is a slow progressing disease without any symptoms, so it is very difficult to say at this moment because we need to observe it for another 3-7 years from now. He suggested to take another OCT scan test for the left eye and also Perimetry (Visual Field Test) as the base data to observe in the coming years. And so after his suggestion, I took those tests (which is very tiring of course) and come back to him again. 

With those results in his hand, he said that the result for mine is very good, even better than normal eyes, which indicate very low risk for glaucoma, even though my OCT scan test has a suspicious shape to indicate the risk of glaucoma. But, it may be because the shape of my eyes normally is like that. He then checked on the thickness of my cornea and adjust the pressures in the eye, saying that after an adjustment compared with my cornea's thickness, the pressures is only 10 and 12 mmHg for both eyes, which lower number is even better. It is not a 100% free from the risk of glaucoma to be honest he said, but it is at least 99,...% is sure enough I had low risk for that. But, to be more precise, he suggested to take another check up a year after this check up. 

To be honest, I am pretty shocked to run those tests for glaucoma because I never thought there is a risk for that. I don't even know what Glaucoma is in the first place. The modern goals of glaucoma management are to avoid glaucomatous damage and nerve damage, and preserve visual field and total quality of life for patients, with minimal side-effects. Intraocular pressure can be lowered with medication, usually eye drops and medication. There are also alternatives like laser and surgery to minimize the intraocular pressures. But in my case, there is no treatment needed as of now. 

Thinking about that, I mean, I know this is just a saying, and hopefully everything is gonna be fine, but what if I had a vision loss, what would I do? Would someone even be there to accompany me later on when I got older? It is scary just to think about that. If I lost my vision, it would be like losing my life, no meaning when you couldn't even see anything. You can't even enjoy the beauty of this world. I had never imagine about me taking a screening for glaucoma, but those tests open my eyes, that precaution and early screening is very important. 

Glaucoma is very common disease after Cataract but does not have any cured. It can only be prevented so far and usually accounts for Asian & African. I just want to share about it, take a regular check up at the Doctor. We may think if we do not have any problems with our eyes, why is there a need to see ophthalmologists? 

But in cases like Glaucoma, there is no symptoms with daily activities because Glaucoma has been called the "silent thief of sight" because the loss of vision usually occurs slowly over a long period of time. Glaucoma can only be detected with screening (tests I've mentioned above) and check on the intraocular pressures as an indication in the first place.  But, if treated early it is possible to slow or stop the progression of disease with medication, laser treatment, or surgery. 

Values in Life

What is your value in life? Difficult question.

It takes me quite a while to really answer that question. Maybe it's even better to restate the question, what are you looking for in life and in what kind of situation you would like to live? What can you tolerate and what you cannot even compromise?

For me, I wish to be able to stay true to oneself. In the world full of opinions and judgment, being true to oneself is hard. There are so many platform, especially social media which can influence our life, either in positive and negative way. We tend to compare our lives with those we see in social media - which to be honest it is not entirely true. In the end, some of us lose ourself in the process of living a fulfilled life - trying to imitate the life in our ideal mind.

So, I would like to stay true being my own self and follow my heart - to learn how to find a healthy balance between listening to the world and listening to my own heart. I would like to stand strong to what I believe even though world is fighting against my belief.

I believe our purpose in life in the end is to find happiness and for me, happiness is not only a material kind of thing. Happiness is a state of mind. I wanna live this life without regrets, pursuing my dreams and have goals in life, which ultimately lead to a happy life. A happy life means I can have a peaceful life. But life is complicated and wishing to have a peaceful life without any problems is impossible. So I just wish to be able to stand up everytime I fall, being present in the moment and enjoy little things in life.

Ofcourse, I do not wish to see myself in the future working on something I don't like. I want to be financially free and be able to do what I am passionate about. To build a happy family and living life to the fullest. I do not wish to see myself in the future regreting the choice I didn't dare to take, like spending my youth working on something I do not like or do not even have time to appreciate myself by going extra miles to gain experience either by travelling or learning something new beyond my comfort zone or my boundaries.

I believe, I need to be able to live my life to the fullest and make use of my time wisely.

But, these days I've been wondering what kind of job I would like to do. Sometimes it pops up to me that I need to focus entirely on makeup job - pursuing what I really like, but to be honest, I still live in a reality, meaning, I cannot lose my 9am to 6pm job without any financial comfort. I do believe that money would come as long as you do your work passionately. That's what I believe - because at first, people would only pay me small amount for my makeup job, yet slowly, as I build my portfolio, there are few who believe in my skill. Yet, I cannot lose my job that pays well every month to my bank account stupidly. But when my corporate job seems difficult, the urge of resigning is too much to hold, but God arranges another path for me, which today I believe it makes sense to me that God really loves me. He always lead me to a better path which I couldn't imagine before.

So for now, I would just let God do what He wants with my life. Believing it will be beautiful in its time and stick to what I belive.

Today Only

Actually I've been wanting to write from months ago, but I end up delaying it day by day. Sometimes it's hard to start writting something. But today feels extra special with rain pouring down, romantic song plays on the corner of coffee shop with a cup of roasted green tea on my table. 

Society these days seems a bit too much sometimes. We are very used to certain kind of questions, "When are you getting married?", "Do you have boyfriend?", "Are you married?", "How many kids you have?". It really sounds like a normal question when we greets each other, or perhaps it was like a daily conversation to talk about. But let me tell you, you could have asked anything else, "How is your day?", or perhaps talking about something else, what happened in the newspaper or anything else. Well, I know it sounds stupid because we could ask anything about it. But for me personally, I wish they would stop asking until the person they ask that question is willing to share their life. Not because you are curious about them. It hurts their feeling and I know how that feels, because I've been wondering when and where the right person for me will eventually come. 

Stop asking women whether they are single or attached. Some of us choose to be single. Some of us are struggling to find the one and some of us are happily married. Stop asking when they will have a baby. Stop asking if they are pregnant. Some of us want to travel first. Some women want to hit career goals first. Some of them are struggling to get pregnant or having children at all. We all have our own time. Stop comparing and asking. It's rude and not your business at all.

I've been saying that my goal for 2019 is to fall in love and be in a relationship at least. It's not because I am picky and such type. But I do want to meet with someone who connects with my soul, feel attracted to his personality and as a person as a whole, rather than be with someone just because I want my goal to be fulfilled. I do know that I have some boxes to be checked before I consider them in the first place. Sometimes, it's hard to even give it a chance because certain area doesn't meet my expectations. I know I should have been more open about dating and knowing more people. I should.

There were few who come suddenly when I don't expect it most and it's confusing when the only thing I want is to focus on healing and loving oneself. I kept thinking whether I should give it a chance or cut them off completely from my life.

Some of my friends even colleagues gave my several advice which I think it makes sense and I should give it a try at least. Otherwise, I won't be able to know the differences. But my heart is heavy and this one person keeps bothering my mind, specially today. 

I kept thinking what the reason for us to meet at that time. Does it mean passing each other only? Or we are meant for each other? In this lifetime or another lifetime? Funny, but that's what I thought. I should have let him go and move on. I thought I did it, but sometimes that person just crossed my mind without even ask for permission. I tried to cut our connection as well, but sometimes he would just suddenly appear in my mind when there are things that connect me with the memories. Despite all the feelings, I still thank God because that person freed me from my past. 

They said, when it's meant to be, no matter how far we are, there is nothing can break the connection. Irony. I feel it's unfair to be honest for both of us. I really think it cannot end like this when we don't even start in the first place. I just can't give up like this. It's unfair for me to give up on that feeling when we both don't even know each other that well or maybe it's the wrong time.

Maybe we should give it another shot. But things, once broken cannot be mend. I know it. If things are meant for us, that person should have come to me, not being like this for almost a year. I know we are both in the process of healing, in the process of finding the right person and that's what attracts me most, because I feel like I saw my other self in that person.

I just hope time can turn around and make it possible for us to meet at least once more, so that we both know the true feeling. This is what I regret most, maybe it's really the wrong time. 

Even though I kept thinking how unfair it was, there is a pride I need to protect. Stop projecting. You meet a guy and you like him. You start to project your own thoughts on every little thing he does. You try really hard to look for signs if he likes you the same way. If he really likes you and wanna be with you, he’ll let you know. So stop projecting and avoid being disappointed when things don’t turn out the way you expected. You deserve all the love that is sure of you from the beginning. You deserve someone who is into you in the first place. That's what I kept telling myself. 

There is noo closure for sure, but yeah, I will learn to forgive him, let him go and move on. Healing takes time, sometimes I may bump into small memories like this but I should stand up and keep moving on. 

And if that's what best for me, I will surrender to God and let Him take charge of my life. It's only something that cross my mind today. I promise, only for today.

How To Be Free

Dive into your emotions and let yourself feel them. 

Practice mindfulness and watch your emotions. This is a powerful Buddhist technique that helps to shift perspective.

Having felt your emotions and having allowed yourself to see them from a distance, it’s time to really break it down and try understand where your anxiety is coming from.

Sometimes breaking things down logically can help us to understand where that feeling is coming from…fear of the unknown or fear of change is usually the biggest culprit.

Whatever it is, identify it to the best of your ability.

Let it Go and be Strong

If you notice stress effects you in a negative way, what’s the incentive of holding onto it?

In reality, there is no reason to hold onto something that doesn’t lift us up. It hinders our growth and prevents us from leading a fulfilling life. 

Let it go and be strong, watching the emotions allows us to see past the identification with those destructive feelings.

The important thing to remember is that worrying or having anxiety is optional. You don’t have to experience that. The only reason you do feel so wrapped up in it is….because you want to.

Let it go and be strong! You can do it!

When You Finally Understand Yourself...

Last weekend, I had quite much time to think and evaluate myself and I just stumbled into an article  about the fear of dating, why it happened and how to deal with that. 

Some of my female friends have virtually never been single. The moment they are, a new great guy scoops them up. They not only have zero trouble landing a man, but they’re keeping their men interested, too (which ofcourse at times I do wonder what kind of magic they use).

Other female friends of mine are single by choice. They’re essentially never rejected. They date around, they’re wanted by many, and if anyone’s rejecting anyone, it’s them rejecting the men – rarely the other way around. And sometimes that's me (well, sometimes).

And then there’s the women who seem to always get rejected. These women might not be single by choice, and if they are, it’s only because of their fear of rejection. Their pattern seems to be that even if they do land a man, he’ll lose interest quickly. Or, they can’t even seem to get a man interested in them in the first place, as they’re always turned down when they attempt any sort of pursuit.

To my own reality, it's not to that extreme to be honest. I've always taught to identify everything in black or white, which one is right or wrong, subconsciously. It's from our early education that we should categorize everything in the exact area. With social pressures and past experiences (either looking from others' experiences or my own), I feel the need to make a good choice. There's no space for failure. It's like choosing the right career path for my life - the same goes for a relationship. I want it to work from the first attempt so that there's no need for heartache. But relationship cannot be that ideal, isn't it? 

In the past, I've invested my time and energy on the wrong guy. Maybe he's not over his ex-girlfriend or maybe he’s very recently single or the woman he really wants turned him down, and that makes him not available. But I just can't seem to see that, which ofcourse I pick the wrong men. That's silly. 

But that's the pattern I've been doing for the past few years. But why?

Then it comes out a good article, which I think I can relate to it much more than I understand myself; 

"If you’ve been rejected by men a bunch of times, and you’ve developed a fear of rejection, you might be avoiding the dating world all together. If you’re used to being rejected and disregarded, you might unconsciously seek out rejection because it’s what you’re familiar with. If you’re seeking rejection without realizing it, you could have a psychological attachment to rejection.

When you identify yourself with disappointment, disapproval and rejection, you can develop what’s known as a rejection attachment. Some of the women reading this article are guilty of ignoring the men who are interested in them, and instead going after the men who don’t seem to be that interested.

Perhaps this is proof of a rejection attachment. They know they’ll likely get turned down since the men they’re pursuing aren’t showing any signs of approval or interest towards them, but since rejection is what they know, they’re okay with it. They’re swimming in familiar territory, and it’s weirdly comfortable. 

Women with a rejection attachment probably believe that they are undesirable, so they collect evidence that supports that belief. This evidence-gathering would of course include seeking out approval from those who aren’t willing to give them any sort of validation, and pursuing those who aren’t fully returning their affections."

In which finally I realize that's so true. I should really work on the self-esteem issues which ofcourse, loving onself is a must before anything else. Why should I seek for other's validation? But to be honest, when I got that validation, all my insecurity issues disappear like wind. 

Maybe that's true, after being rejected, ghosted out many times and terrible dating experiences, I realize sometimes it can be tough to be optimistic about dating. Thinking that you are not good enough develop a negative attitude towards dating, which is not good. Negativity is a bad habit that needs to be broken. I swear I should really work on that. 

I realized that relationship is based on trial and error, which we should try to see whether we fit with each other. But the thing is that, I may not ready for that. I may not be brave enough to take the risk for another heartache. It's like I've developed the fear of dating over the past few years. I am sure there will be one day when things gonna work and my fear of dating would just turn into another force to get out form that hiding place or when the other person can ensure me that the relationship itself is worth taking risk for although it's really difficult to communicate that fear to someone you are not close to in the first place. But in the mean time, I should not just sit around without doing anything right?

I know the source of my fear now, and I should really putting myself out there. The more “no”s I experience, the closer I’ll get to a “yes”. It’s the magic of probability. In other words, the more dates I go on that don’t work out, or the more times I am being rejected, the closer I are to finding someone that it does work out with.

Besides, I should work on the self-esteem issues and positivity towards relationship. There were times when I write this article that push me to seek for psychologist help. But I guess, I found out what I really need to do at this moment, don't you think?

Living Life To The Fullest

At first I thought this might be a sign of depression, or something wrong with me, but I’ve come to realize it isn’t. It’s actually something quite positive. Because it isn’t that I don’t want to live—I do. It’s not that I don’t have a lot of things I really love and enjoy. I really do. I’m not tired of life. It’s the fact that, at any moment I can genuinely say I’ve lived a full and complete life and that everything that happens to me from this point forward is gravy.

But there were times I would feel as if I am a failure for not achieving what I want. Sometimes I feel I am still far from where I want to be, and there were times I am confused amd stressed out with where I want to be.

But, isn’t this how most of us drive ourselves to be better and remind ourselves that we are not there yet? It does not matter if you are clear in your head “where” you want to be, but you definitely know you have to be “there”. Every day we remind ourselves that we still have a lot to do, make loads of money, visit those exquisite places, learn something new, try out the various cuisines because that is what the world in their 20s seems to be doing, right? Living and advocating to live to your fullest?

What we fail to understand is that it is OKAY to feel lost. It is okay if you do not have everything figured out just yet. As they say – life is not a problem to be solved but a reality to be experienced!
Your 20s are not a time when you should sulk about your failures (do not even count the failures you add up by OCD). There will be days when you feel low, when life seems to go nowhere, you won’t love yourself, your income and expenditure won’t make sense to you, and you’ll feel the weight of the world on your shoulders and the strongest instinct would be to quit and run away to some never-land. These bizarre, unpleasant feelings are all OKAY, everyone feels this way at some point or the other, even the people behind those filter-perfect, happy stories!

So, keep on living and doing what you want consistently. It's okay if you are not there yet. As long as you work hard, it will.

When Time is Rough, Remember This

Some days are just great. Things go as planned or even better and you bounce from meetings to tasks to your private life and you feel wonderful on the inside.

Then there are other days.

Days when you do not feel much motivated at all. When your best laid plans go out the window before the day has barely begun.

When something important unexpectedly goes wrong and you get that sinking feeling in your stomach. Or when you feel sorry for yourself and honestly just want to go back to bed and to sleep again.


Maybe the simplest and certainly one of the most effective ways to turn such a day, week or month around into something more positive and better is in my experience to turn your focus to gratitude.

Because even if things look tough today or for the next 3 or 6 months I can always find something or several things to feel very grateful for about my life.

So I’d like to share a small list of 10 simple, fundamental things that I feel grateful for. I usually only reflect on one or a few of these things when I need to but I thought a list like this one could be helpful both for you and for me.

Maybe not every item on this list works in your life, then take what works from here and create and add to put together your own list.

1. A roof over my head and a warm home.

I live in Sweden, a country where the winters are cold and snowy and the fall and often spring can be quite rainy.

So I often return to this one.

Few things feel better than to reflect upon having warm home and a roof over my head when it is cold and windy outside and I can hear the rain beating hard on my window.

2. Plenty of drinkable water.

I love water and drink plenty of it every day. It is certainly something I take for granted from time to time. But it is not a given.

780 million people lack access to safe drinking water according to water.org.

3. I don’t have to go hungry.

Plus, most of things I cook and/or eat are quite tasty and healthy. And sometimes they are simply wonderful.

So I have much to be grateful for when it comes to food.

4. I can enjoy the small and free pleasures of life.

A sunrise.

A relaxing walk in the woods.

A cool swim in the ocean.

A crisp Autumn day when the trees are filled with leaves of vibrant and spectacular colors.

The sun warming my face after many days of the sky being filled with dreary, gray clouds.

5. Access to the internet.

When I was really young back in the 80’s and 90’s and you wanted to learn about something then you had to ask someone who may have had spotty knowledge. Or you had to visit the local library and maybe there was a book or magazine about it.

Things are so different now and even though it is just a part of everyday life it still amazing.

I can learn about pretty much anything online. I can add new skills and habits to make my life happier and more awesome with the help of what other people share online. And I can share what I’ve learned via this blog I once started on whim many years ago.

Plus, there is the opportunity to connect with and get to know people from all around the world.

6. My friends and family.

For the love, support, kindness and all the fun that they offer and I get to offer them.

7. My health.

I do not have the indestructible body of Superman. But if I treat it well and get plenty of sleep, work out and eat healthy then it works really wonderfully well almost all the time.

Sure, I get sick sometimes.

But overall I have very, very much to be thankful for that I often take for granted about my body and how it helps me to do everything – see, listen, walk, write, hug, kiss, think and experience my world – every day.


8. I am alive.

If I had been born in another time or in another place then there is a big chance that I would not have been here to experience my life now.

But I am here now. I have this moment and day and hopefully many days still to experience and live my life.

It is an amazing thing.

What do you feel grateful for even when you might be going through a tough day or time?

How to be Grateful

Today I got my visa granted and was really grateful that it was approved. But sometimes we forget how to be grateful for small things due to unbelievable expectations. So, I would like to remind all of us to set our expectations just right and always be grateful for every small things. Being grateful will change your view towards life on entirely different level. Here's how to be grateful on a daily basis:

1. GIVE THANKS EVERY MORNING

One of the very first things I do during my morning ritual is to give thanks, maybe it's a bit troublesome for a morning rituals, but do it while you are brushing your teeth or taking a bath. I am sure it is a bit weird when you only do it once or twice, but it'll become a habit after several days of practice.

2. GRATITUDE JOURNAL

After your mindfulness session, write down your positive thoughts! Keeping a journal of all of the things you are thankful for can help you keep track of and refer back to the positives in your life.

Write down your positive thoughts to further focus your attention on the subject. While you are putting the pen to paper, you have no choice but to consciously think about the words you are writing without other distracting, ungrateful thoughts.

You can journal every day after your gratitude practice, or you can come back to the journal on a regular schedule weekly or monthly.

3. STOP COMPLAINING & COMPARING

By complaining you are simply inviting negativity and pessimism back into your heart and mind. Even if something terrible will happen, avoid complaining despite the fact that it’s the normal thing to do. Every time one decides to complain, that person reinforces a negative state of mind without having a solution to the problem. The next time you find yourself frustrated, just take a few deep breaths and focus on positive things.

Besides, do not compare yourself with anyone else. The biggest challenge is to compete with your old self. Remember that!

Giving up Needs Courage

Once again, I've decided to just let it go, the same person, almost a year ago.

It was during this time, that I know this person, H, and how time flies so fast. Maybe some of you have noticed, a series of my heart to heart confession in this blog, on how I move on from my past heartbreak from P. It took me almost 1,5 years to move on from him, from end of December 2015 up to June 2017. If I didn't know H, I guess I would still be in that dark hole. I was blaming myself from the past failures and mistakes. I was insecure to the point I was blaming myself for the situation that may not actually be under my control. 

Thanks to H, that I am able to let go all the embarrassment and understand that there are some situation that cannot be mend and the only thing you could do is to let it go and no point in blaming myself. You are complete the way you are. It may not be about me, but about him. 

This time, I know I'm really head over heels for H, though he is someone I've never had the chance to meet in person. Maybe it was my imagination and my expectation on how he is in person. But, I would say, I feel connected to him based on common ideas, common outlook towards life, common value systems, and similar views on important issues. I feel there is no need for me to explain more about things that bothered me, and he would just understand what I'm feeling and being able to comfort me with just few words. Seriously, he is someone I look up to, for being able to be independent and goal-driven type of person.

Maybe that's true, there is no point of continuing into a relationship if you are in different cities either for short term or long term. If there is no plan on moving in the future, it won't work no matter how much and how strong you feel the attraction and connection. 

Starting off a long distance relationship is hard, but I guess saying it hard is a bit unfair. It's about choice - whether you would want to go based on your feeling or based on your logic. I've been telling him about moving there, but I guess his logic wins him over - which of course I concluded that there will be no -me- in his "planned picture". I know he's been saying that I should come there for a visit as there is a huge probability that I would love living there, but hey, what I need is your effort, your sincere attitude towards me, whether there's any feeling more than just friend. 

But that's okay, I can understand from his point of view, relationship requires much work and if I were to be with him, it would cost us much money and time as well. And of course I know his priority right now might not be about relationship. Sure he wants to get married one day, but not because of the sake of getting married, he wants to get married out of love with the right person at the right time. Maybe I am not the right person for him and maybe we meet not in the right time. And so, I've decided to let him go once again. It's hard for me to continue on pursuing this person if he has no intention on going further.

To be honest, I have such a big hope that God would let me be with him - if destiny really allows us to be together. But there is no guarantee it would work. As of now, I guess, it'll be hard for me to stop liking him or even stop thinking about him. I would just day by day trying not to think about him, to let him go and slowly but surely forget about him, and let God do the rest while also living my life.

In the end, giving up needs courage. You gotta be strong enough to let go and really live your life.
In this chance, I would like to say thanks to H, for appearing in my life and teaching me how to enjoy and live my life to the fullest. Everytime I talk to you, you always remind me to really look at myself, on how much actually I love myself and how much I really need to improve as a person. 

Time to Stop Blaming Yourself, Maybe?

Hello, it's been quite a while since I post. I've been kinda busy with everyday life, makeup job and some emotionally draining process. But there are times when I was really happy, even I even thought, could this be last forever? But life may not always happy all the time. The things you feel right now will help you one day in future, since you've experienced it and you will know what to do next time if that happens again.

Maybe it's a hormonal feeling, but my overthinking strikes. Suddenly I remembered a memory I really want to forget three years ago. That was the time when I met with him, things are going well, even too good to be true. You know you've fallen for someone when you can't even sleep even though you have work tomorrow morning, because reality is better than your dream. Things were going really well till one day he suddenly left. I think that's the mistake I learnt the most. 

To be honest, in my opinion, he didn't give a proper explanation. Shouldn't I at least get a disclosure? Since then, I suffer from an emotional trauma. I don't think I would be able to like someone else anymore because I am afraid that the other person may not gonna stick around. The most hurtful thing is that, I couldn't help myself not to think there's something wrong with me even though I knew the reason may not always about me. But I can't help to blame myself for the things that didn't work according to what I want. I know, I am such a high-achiever, I want to control everything within the range of what I can do. But, I realized, there are so many things out of my control and it just takes a bit of willingness to let go and being grateful for the things that stay.

Personally, I think at least I need time to trust the other person first before giving all my heart - and to take things naturally. There's no need to make the relationship move forward forcibly. You can't force love, no matter what. But we as a human, sometimes forget to take a break, enjoy the present and wants to take things in our direction, which I really need to keep reminding myself. I think the best way is to let everything happens naturally & organically. 

So, I want you to remember, if he decided not to stay, it's his fault for losing someone like you. 

It may not because of you, but in reality, it has to do with him, rather than on you. Perhaps his priorities at that time is all about his career. Maybe, he doesn't want to commit to a relationship first, or maybe he just think, he can't handle someone like you because he's afraid of commitment. In whatever case, he's just not meant to be. There are things, no matter how hard you tried to make it work, if things doesn't work, it just won't work anyway.

You just need to understand that logic, accept the truth and let it go. Really. 

Forget about that person and learn to love yourself. You deserve someone more than that. You know it yourself. You know that you are precious and you could always have someone who would like you the same amount as him. It's just that you perhaps need time for healing. Healing do takes time, but it's all gonna be worth it. 

You have to believe that you can be happy and you will be happy, start by being grateful each day :D

"If it comes, let it come. If it stays, let it stay. If it goes, let it go. - Buddha"