How To Heal From Past Experiences (Bully, Being Ghosted, Rejection)

Hello all, it's been a long time I haven't made any personal post. In this opportunity, I would like to write and discuss about insecurity. I know, I have talked about this before, but in this post, I would like to talk more specifically regarding feeling insecurity related to the ability to deal with rejection and how to heal from there. 

Have I ever told this story? 

I used to have a little difference with other kids. Staring when I was 2 years old maybe, I was diagnosed with amblyopia. What's that? So, basically amblyopia or with easier term 'lazy eyes' is a disorder of sight in which the brain fails to process inputs from one eye and over time favors the other eye.
It reduced vision in one eye caused by abnormal visual development early in life. The weaker — or lazy — eye often wanders inward or outward. Amblyopia generally develops from birth up to age 7 years. 

It is the leading cause of decreased vision among children. Rarely, lazy eye affects both eyes.

Early diagnosis and treatment can help prevent long-term problems with your child's vision. The eye with poorer vision can usually be corrected with glasses or contact lenses, or patching therapy. In my case, it affects my left eye, which somehow my left eyes wanders outward. When it was checked, it turns out my left eye diagnosed with -7, which I was prescribed with glasses. At that time, from what I heard from my mother is that, the doctor told my mom to cover my stronger eyes with tissue and force the lazy eye to operate in my daily activities - but as a mother who see such a young toddlers having a hard time to walk with one eye closed is hard. Besides, there was part of my fault too that I kept throwing the tissue. Adjusting daily activities with one eye close seems like very uncomfortable, you just cannot do anything. 

However, those action and excuses are wrong because if treated earlier before I turn 17 years old, it may help the lazy eyes getting better. But, I guess that's the treatment - I have not found the evidence that it can be completely cured. 

During my early days, I had nothing to complain about as I've been living normally with amblyopia - except for the eyes wanders outward. I still can do my daily activity using my right eye - this doesn't mean that I didn't use my left eye, it just that the vision is weaker on the other side. From zero, my right eye becomes - 7 every year (maybe this due to one-eye functioning or the assumption to balance the left eye, thus I've been changing glasses a lot since I was in elementary school). How weaker is the left eye? I can only read huge single letter within 1 meter radius. The smaller there letter, the more I can't read it - but for huge things like chair and table, I can see it properly. Until now, the minus itself still consistently the same, never been reduced nor increased. 

What makes it harder when I was a young child is when those friends around you make fun of my condition - specially about the eye that wanders outward. I remember the time when I walked through my classroom, someone called Kevin suddenly mock my eyes - and it left big scars for me. I didn't do anything which hurts him at that time, but why he made fun of me? Does he think it is something funny to insulted me like that? 

Going to the Ophthalmologist has never been an easy trip. My mother once left me in the street because she's upset that I didn't practice the eye patched - and the condition of my left eye never improved, instead more minus. The more minus it was added, the more I feel down. But, interesting story is this, the Doctor (I forget the name - very old and traditional type), she knew from the first time that I had amblyopia and still expect me to read small letter within 3 meter radius - the more I couldn't read, the more she add more minus into my glasses. Those were times when there is no microscope to check your minus, until I went to Klinik Mata Nusantara (KMN) and they did several test before I met with my doctor. It turns out that my minus for the left eye is still the same, -7, but my glasses at that time already reach -9. So funny, right? I never go back to that old Doctor anymore. 

During my visit to KMN, my Doctor suggested me to go under operation for the wandering eyes, so that the muscle can be fixed. The operation is not intended to fixed the lazy eyes, but it will help the eyes to move 'normally' instead. And so after so many considerations, I went through the operation when I was in my junior high school. After that, my eyes is normal, the lazy eyes is still there but didn't affect my daily life until now. 

What's left maybe those scars, my schoolmate who was mocking me at that time. But since it was fixed, I guess there will be no more story of that - as I am normal now at least according to society standard - the same like any other junior high school girl. Then I entered my Senior High School which a new school, there were few of my old school graduates who enter this school with me.

My first year of Senior High School was not easy. I was a typical young girl who focus on my study, never really bothered about looks and such. I tied my hair in a ponytail, wear glasses and quiet girl. There is one guy, named Greggy who suddenly one day with his group started to bully me. He took photos of my private parts and giggled about. I remembered one time, he threw leftover tissue to my face - I don't know what made him do that. The thing is that I assume that there is someone who report what happened in that class to our Homeroom Teacher and everyone thought it was me. But THAT WAS NOT ME at all. It hurts my self - because it felt that I don't have any friends in that class. I've been thinking what is wrong with me, is that because I didn't look like any other girl in that class who put makeup and let their hair down? So, the next day I changed my look, I let my hair down and put makeup (at least eyebrow and compact powder) but nothing significant had changed. But Greggy had become more quiet after some time. 

The bully was so traumatic that I ever consider to move to another school, but I survived my first year.
I haven't had any closure to be honest, and when it was time to move to another year, I had this sort of anxiety that I would be the same class with him. So I begged my mother to call school and explain the situation so that I can be in different class and yes, that happened. My second year went through smoothly, actually I was afraid if I wasn't able to make friends. But here I met my best friend from Senior High School and I gained back my confidence. My best friend told me that there is nothing wrong with me and the bullying before is pure because of Greggy's immature action. 

I graduated from my senior high school finally and had fun and exciting times at University, besides things have changed a lot from there. I learnt how to do makeup, I knew which side of my face looks better on camera and such. I became more bold and knew what I want.

Few years later, I also had a crush on someone I met briefly, named Paulus - had exchanged number but suddenly he ghosted me. It took me quite sometime to gain my energy back. I remember how much I wonder why he ghosted me. I knew that we were both stayed in different country but you see, without much disclosure, your mind wanders here and there looking for what I can do better so that the next one won't leave me the way Paulus did. I took all the blame for myself - that I was not attractive enough,
I was not on society standard, I was not beautiful enough, I was not funny enough, I was not good enough and many many more. Till now, I didn't get any closure though. 

After that I was introduced with another overseas guy as well, named Henry. We had never met, but basically I had those image in my mind and thought that this guy seems like a match with me. We chatted several times - and I, myself, had expected something out of it. I thought I should make this work at least coz I am tired of being ghosted and rejected. But things didn't go anywhere until I found out 1.5 years later after I invested my time on him, that he had a girlfriend - an Indo girl as well, a long distance relationship as well. I remembered that time when he told me that he never thought of doing LDR because it's hard but in the end he did with someone else. That girlfriend had already become his wife now. Yes, that was hard blow for me - it took me another 1 year to move on. But during those times, I always thought why he didn't choose me instead, why? Is that because I didn't have nice smile as her? Is that because I was boring and unattractive? Or why? There were too many thoughts inside me, which eventually made me wonder about my worthiness. 

Those story and experiences eventually made me unconsciously thought I was not good enough, that I need to be "normal" & "similar to other people" so that I can be accepted in the society - and I need to do my very very best to be get accepted. Unconsciously, I seek for approval of other people, I seek for their validation that I exist. At some point, because I used to the feeling of being rejected, I thought I didn't deserve to be happy - that I only deserved to be left alone. These are those false belief:

"I feel as though I am not good enough for those who care about me."

"If someone ever falls in love with me, I better do my best to prove myself worthy, because it may never happen again."

"People will only respect me if I'm good-looking and/or successful."

"I modify my personality, opinions, or appearance in order to be accepted by others."