Memories

Words won't just describe what I feel right now.
Well, I've never been into a serious relationship, you know that too rite?
Maybe some friends have felt being friendzoned by me too. Sorry, I, as a woman, doesn't really catch the hints you guys giving it to me.

From primary school, I direct my life to wholy focus on study, for a better future. I just do not want to care about whatever things those girls want to do. A crush? I did have last time. The first one, is someone I even cannot imagine how the things work that I come to like that 'whatever' guy. He's someone who bothers me always. The innocent me (opps, well I do, what comes to my mind is just test and play). Just call him 'D' okay? Mr. D always bothers me when I was playing with the girls. He can suddenly try to push me down when I was in the stairs. I cried that time because I hate that kind of games. Then he comes to bother me again for giving me his handkerchief. That time I told my mon about being bother like that.
Unexpectedly, I come to like him bothering me, trying so hard to get his attention (stupid me). But well, nothing happened till 5th grade.


I met somebody, a nice guy in my school in 6th grade. He lives in my area and he's my neighbour.
We come to school together and go home together. Loving how we can tease each other and one day we become together, but sadly, I realize that I am still not ready for that and we broke up for only one day. Haha. Stupid girl. But I cherish this happening as one of my serious one.

In my high school, there's one guy who makes me cry hardly. He's one of my best friend back then. But again, no serious feelings, no attachment. Before graduation, I promise myself, I won't cry for a guy anymore. My highschool has been pretty boring. No guys at all, just from another crush to another one.


Till I come to China for a winter camp for one month and I met somebody there. That time, I saw his back in front of me. He's walking and I asked somebody there how old he is. We can just call him 'A', A is one year younger than me. I never thought that I would have something to do with this guy. This guy is like a 'komedi putar' where he could make my feeling suddenly would be high and down.
That time, before christmas, I was feeling not really well and go to sleep early. I woke up and our room was cery crowded by those little brats who play inside the room.
I went to the hallway to see what's happening and saw Mr. A, then I want to go to my room again, when I was going to open the door, he was running and blocking me. We saw each other and in the end, we smiled and introduced ourself.

He came to me as someone who can tell stories about me, he saw my hand and told me what kind of person I am. I just take it as a joke anyway. Till, we have to go down for xmas eve party. That night was so cold. I went down, we had an event and after than, Mr. A who saw me being cold, suddenly holds my hand and ran away. I just found out that he was running to his room and give me a jacket. That time I am seriously speechless, how come the guy I was asking my friend earlier suddenly showing this side to me?

The event was over and Mr. A suddenly ran to me, asking me number and said he had something to do right now, but he wants my number. I gave my friend's number cos I don't have one.
He then messaged me, a very long one, saying he feels something for me. I bet that's a joke and told him that we should take it slowly. The next day, we hang out together and many thing happened, even a misunderstanding.

The night before we come back to our home country, he showed up in front of my door and talked to me. He use that trick, a very lousy one, but I was catch onto him. He then hugged me tightly. Dunno what happened there cos I was shocked. And goodbye. That's what teenagers were doing last time. Nothin serious. Just being friends.


Then another Mr. A, Mr. I, another Mr.A again who make me ups and down. Nothing serious till now.
Well... full of color and I am tired of that.

Gonna love myself first!

22 - How To Become An Adult

Hi my dearest readers,

It's been one year and well, I'm gonna be 22 in almost a few hours. I just don't imagine time has flies so fast. I still remember the time I graduated from high school, searched the right university which I regreted so much not to be able to get as much information as I could, and finally entered the univerity life.

There were so  many things happened during that short period of time. At first, I was very depressed not to be able to enter National University of Singapore (NUS) and Nanyang Technological University (NTU), but then thinking back, if I joined NUS/NTU, maybe at this time I am still struggling with the University Life and around this time I were going to graduate from university life. But then, in reality, I have now worked for almost 2 years and I was able to get into the working environment, being an adult in the career world.

I am also not sure whether I was able to get so many good friends like I do right now if I joined NTU/NUS. Although we have graduated, but our bonding is still going strong. Such as, I got a line message today from Andrean, one of my buddies in my uni life. He said Happy Birthday and success all the way for me. It suddenly touched my heart that he still keeps my name in the b-day reminder. That's what I have been thanking God for giving me lots of friends in another way, even better that what I expected.

Working life as an external auditor everyday is kinda, well....overwhelming. It's hectic but I like the job, I love how I can learn as much as I want. Getting those opportunities to challenge myself. Even though I like my job, it just feel that something is not right for me. I really feel tired when it comes to the super-called peak-season and not going home is something I really want to avoid but I can't escape from that. Actually it's okay if it's only for 2-3 days and finished. But that's not the case, cos it last more than 2 weeks long to go home at 7am in the next morning and come back to work at 12am. It felt like I am dying seriously. I don't have that so-called social life except socializing with my colleagues at work during those 4 months.

I dunno why, suddenly tears keep coming up. I know this is not something very terrible right?
But I do feel, if just I got a chance to turn back the time. Truthfully, I don't even know whether if I make another turn, my life would be the same like now or not. But that's gambling.
I do...agree that my pride is very high. Last time, the three of us applied at the same company but I didn't make it and only one of us got accepted in that 'Company', easily when everybody is trying to get a job. If hard work is paid off, where is that? How could I believe that when I tried hard every time but everything just doesn't work as I want?

Again, at work there are ups and downs. After one year, I finally got promoted and going through the harsh environment of being a so called professional yet we do not get paid off as much as people imagine for being a consultant. It was like hell not to be able to meet Kim and my other friends, not having to enjoy my life and go home as I want. I thought, no....everyone thought that I would be appreciated and got promoted again after 5 months in the interim promotion. But that sucks. Whatever it is, when the Company doesn't get you promoted, that means they are ready to lose you. I got a discussion with the boss and maybe what she said is right. I do happy with the pay raise. But I still do get hurt from the promotion announcement. What I thought last time was like, did you never see the hard work I gave to the Company?

Another chance keeps coming up. This time, is for the mobility program to go exchange to Singapore/Malaysia. The HRD keep bothering me to apply when I told her that I am still under the primary requirements. I know I couldn't make it but I still do hope for some miracles to happen and dang, I don't get the chance cos they said at least you are in the Senior level.
My heart feels like break into pieces. How could in just a few weeks, every little things seem to disappoint me more than anything else in the world?
I do ask God what I should do, where I should go and what His plan for me.....

The last year is not my year. Nothing has changed but for sure, I know I am stronger than before.
I won't give up for such that small obstacles and by giving it a try, at least there is 50% chance to make it.

"If you don't succeed at first, try, try, and try again." - Calvin Chen

Does your life always go as you want it to be?
I do want a job, while liking the job I do, I could have fun doing it.
But the pressure... the not so flexible working hour...and the not being appreciated by the Company puts me down everytime. I do want to leave, but when I leave, I let go my future to be vanished. I just don't want to do that. So, what I could do is to slowly go through that and let God show me the path.

In the last day of 22, I just want to bury those painful memories deep down in my heart and I will remember it to make me even stronger than before cos I already made decision to never give up.
I still believe that maybe one day I realize those painful memories made me up till now and it creates me to a better path beyond my imagination and my wish in the early place.

 I wanna put what my goals for the next one year:
#getpromotion for the year 2015
#getajob - a job that I like and I could have fun while working
#getabf - boyfriend *where are youuuu*
#mom&dad - seeing my mom and dadn proud of me
#travelling - europe, us, korea and japan I wish one of those will be my next destination
#openbusiness - I wish my business will go smoothly and I could make it big
#felixgoestoUnilever - mysuper the most wanting thing right now!!!


So, everyone, whenever you get some difficulties in you life, be cheerful. Strive again to work hard, go out from your comfort zone. Because, when we strive hard, everything around us will become better.

"When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too." - Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Explore, Dream, Discover

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

And maybe it's time to explore , to dream big and discover.
It's time to make a turn and leave. No matter how hard it is, but to dream big is something you have to do.

High expectation

The sweet and bitter memory of fireworks, I couldn't just close my eyes and wish the memory would turn into bubbles and disappear.

Somebody said, "Do you wanna know how to not be hurt? Then don't expect anything from anyone and don't listen to their story. Close your heart and you will live happily."
That's true, give more and expect less. But sometimes, that's just only a theory. We do expect more anyway, right? How could you don't have any expectations?

I realized fully that some things do not work the way we want it to be.
Even though I know it, sometimes I wanna dream, like a fairytale, wishing upon a star, to make a miracle happen. Like yesterday night, I dreamt you, the feeling is so real, yet I'm full of anxiety. When I was awaked, what's left is only an imagination.

At times I wonder, what's the deal? Is that so hard to have things you want? But yeah, don't put your expectation too high because in the end what we get is only a heartache.

Learning how to ride a bike is difficult when you start learning it, but slowly, you would get used to it.
Likewise, letting go is hard but you can slowly learn how to do it. Don't expect too much things from someone. U gotta learn how to do that, right?


Cheers.

Welcoming 2014 and Goodbye 2013!

It's been really a long time, more than a year and almost 1,5 year, I have never write anything. Posting something online, doesn't really make me feel good about it. But, since my wretch was terminated last September, I guess I would start writing the 2014's story here.

Thinking back, what have you achieved in 2013? #newyear
2013 is not really a specially good year, but it is indeed a better year. Maybe I could say, the year I would never forget.

There were ups and downs. There were hard times when I faced so many difficultues - feeling like giving up; feeling like I had no more strength to carry on. Gone through depression, frustration, disappointment, even the early-20s crisis and whatsoever stages of adult life.

But there were a lot of amazing things happened also. It is indeed the first year when one of my dreams came true. I survived from the workforce, enterting and adapting with the adult-life is kinda weird yet amazing. I received my first salary with my official job and joined the stock market. Besides, I had a chance to go the most beautiful island with its amazing nature with my family. It was indeed a really good time together. One more thing I have achieved this year is that, I like my job even better. I got to meet so many amazing friends at work.

I have learnt a lot for this one year:

1. The most important things in life is to never give up.

Don't give up on someone; don't give up on things. Even when you face with rejection; even when what you received is just cold shoulder, ignorance, indifference; even when you feel exhausted; tired of moving on, NEVER GIVE UP.

I still remembered how I went through the deadline, work had been super hectic. Though in the end, we successfully closed the deal, the performance results was just over target. Rejection and disappointment, for sure many people have felt that way. But then, when one door closes; many other doors will open. Perseverance is the key. I feel blessed that I got even bigger responsibility right now to bear. That's true, you have to endure it, hard work does paid off, of course not in the instant way. There should be a reason for a promotion and recognition. One thing, I am still not too sure whether this rule applies to relationship. It doesn't always work as the rules stated. Sometimes you have to understand, feelings can't be forced. The more you force it to happen, the more you got hurt later on.


2. Never give up on your dreams. When you have no dreams, then there is no hope. Keep dreaming big. You never know what will happen tomorrow. #dreamchaser

Hello 2014!! Years and still counting.

3. Friends come and go. Distance doesn't even matter when they are close to your hearts. Having some close friends around is the best feeling ever. I had a small reunion and I felt things have changed a lot, specially on me. I now dare to start the conversation first; dare to speak what I think and feel. Keep making friends, you never know, maybe you will realize your friends might be your soulmate (lol).
4. Family stays together. I just can't thanks my parents and my awesome siblings enough for accompanying me through the ups and downs.
5. The bitter and sweet memory of fireworks; the treat I would never taste; the courage perhaps never happen again; the sweetest smile I ever got; and the world of fantasy I've always imagined. Things that have happened will always be a memory.

6. Being bold isn't a crime and I am proud of being the one.

7. What it's meant to happen, it will naturally happen. Don't feel sad for yourself when you are single. I understand the feelings when you see your friends going in relationships or getting married, building a family and sweet home. Well, I gotta say this, everyone meets that "someone" at different times. I think it's better to stay single rather than being in a relationship for the sake of having one.

Ritual panjat genteng. Bitter and sweet memory of fireworks

I haven't thought clearly what I wanna do in 2014. But some ideas keep appearing on my mind;

• Healthy, happiness and success always be with my family and the loved ones. 
• Going through the peak season once more, with the good spirit. I like my job right now even more, I like how I can discuss everything that bothers me to my manager and I like how I have the responsibility to bear. That's challenging. 
• Got promoted this year, for sure. 
• I hope and I wish, I could meet that "somebody" this year.
• Keep improving myself; in terms of knowledge and personality.
• Korea or Canada would be my dream to go this year
• A year older, I should be wiser.

There are of course many things to do, it's just I haven't thought so much about it. 

I will add it here after a good thinking. 

Once again, welcome 2014, let's start the year with a smile! :)