I realized the past few months, I've been going through emotinal turmoil - which I, myself, do not know what's going wrong with me. There are days even when I am not on my period that I would cry without no reasons. I realized that I started to ignore everyone, that also includes the world. At first, I thought maybe because I need some time alone to clear & calm my mind, but in the end, I'm still stuck being like that. Of course, there are days when I expect my dear close friend would be able notice that, but it seems they don't care quite a bit with me, considering how self-absorbed they are.
Sometimes, I was so lazy to catch up with old friends as well, specially those who has their significant other. I always thought, that we are totally on different pages and stages in life - which I have no idea how to react in front of them. There are friends who talk & share to me how she wanted to get married so badly after she attended the wedding party last weekend, even without asking how my life was going on after a long time not catching up. It feels sucks to hear things like that when you are just far from it.
Blame me, I know, maybe it's because I feel offended because I'm the one struggling with the idea. I always thought it was my defense wall of being hurt by avoiding to meet them, to contact them, or to even chat with them. I know it's not healthy to feel like this, and I've been trying to find solutions to this emotional unhealthiness. I never wish to grow to become a person who has such negativity. That's true, it's hard nowadays to face people - either that's because I turned to be an introvert, or it's just my insecurity keeps eating me up. I know, we just can't control what people want to talk or say something. It's how we manage ourself in handling them is the important one. I am completely aware that I have my own life and it's within my capability to ensure that I have a happy life, not them. So what if they got their significant other and you are not? The grass is always greener on the other side, that's true. But, I am a human, not a perfect one, there are times I would feel sad as well, not to mention that I would look back at myself.
My last “serious” relationship ended roughly a year ago, and I’ve been single ever since. I thought at last, it would be my last relationship before finally settled down. It was my expectation that are too high. In that amount of time, several of my friends have gotten engaged, four of them have gotten married, and three of them has had a baby and now on their way for the second baby. I, on the other hand, got my dream job, travelled here and there sometimes and living my own world happily. But that doesn't mean I did nothing to find my significant other. I met with some people, got introduced to anyone who seems having the same kind of life as me, and I’ve been on multiple apps, and I go on plenty of dates. But I have yet to find what most people classify as love.
This is a fact that has always been terrifying for me. I grew up in a house with two parents who are still crazy about each other. I was fed a steady diet of Disney movies and YA novels, and being a member of a very traditional Asian family meant there was a lot of emphasis on family — the one you were in and the one you’d eventually start on your own. All I’ve ever wanted was to fall in love. I measured my relationship progress against other women's — a habit that I’ve, regrettably, never seemed to kick. Even now, whenever a friend or family member finds themselves in a new relationship, I wonder why it hasn’t worked out for me yet.
Lately, I’ve been trying to weigh the prospect of a life without love. If I’m being honest with myself, the idea of never finding that one person to settle down with is scary to me. But whenever I try to share this fear with friends, I’m met with the same response: “You’re so young! It will happen when you stop looking! Nobody really winds up alone!” This is frustrating for many reasons, the least of which is that I am not someone who will ever stop thinking about it. Who are you to justify that? Is that because you are now one level up on finding your right person and now you are trying to make a justification, trying to act as if you know it so well? Well, it might happen sooner or later I know, but that kind of conversation is killing me inside. Of course I would want to meet the one with a real connection. Who doesn't want?
"THIS IS ONE ASPECT OF MY LIFE THAT I CAN’T CONTROL, NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TRY TO."
I will freely admit the fact that I am more than a little bit of a control freak when it comes to my life. I wanted to be a makeup artist, so I made myself a makeup artist. I wanted to travel the world, and so I make it happen. But this is one aspect of my life that I can’t control, no matter how much I try to. And that inability to fix the one thing in my life that I want to fix makes me so anxious — anxious enough that I put myself in therapy to try to work through my need for control. It stems from a line of thinking that so many of us have: “If I work hard at something, I’ll get something in return.” It’s a very millennial way of thinking — one that was taught to us by parents who came of age in a time when that adage rang true (or, at least, truer than it does today).
We’re a group of individuals who believe that we deserve a prize for putting in work — I mean, we got participation trophies in sports. But the truth of the matter is that not everyone gets a shiny new car at the end of the day. We can work our asses off for something our entire lives and still have nothing to show for it. And that's when I realized that there are things which is really out of our control and we need to accept it, no matter what.
I read many articles, consulted with my friends and they said, it is completely natural to feel anxious when all of your friends are coupling up, which they seem to be doing right on schedule. But, a simple question from them, "Whose schedule are you on? Do you want to be in a relationship because you're ready to explore life with another human being? Or do you want it because you're the only one who doesn't have it? Does your happiness truly depend on having a mate?"
Well, at this moment, I struggled to be a good friend to those women during their happy time and my jealousy ended up costing me two of my closest friendships. (Ironically, this only added to my loneliness) in which I could assume, the urgency to be in a relationship, is because I want something I don't have right now. Maybe that's true, I do not need a mate now, instead I have things to figure out. More on that later.
It's easy to feel pessimistic when I’m sitting on yet another horrible Bumble date, or when a guy I’ve been dating for a few weeks decides to ghost out of nowhere. So I don’t know that there’s an actual answer to this one way or another. No matter how I romanticize single or partnered life, whatever happens for me is going to have to be okay — because this is the only life I’ve got. YOLO.
For now, I’ve just been working to relinquish control. Instead of getting nervous and cagey whenever I meet a new man, I’m trying to just go with the flow. If and when I feel him pulling away, I try not to comb through my text messages, figuring out if there was a way for me to keep him from changing his mind. I’m attempting to toss my timeline out the window, and realize that I can’t force someone to adhere to the idea of a relationship I’ve idealized in my mind.
But the best way for me to get over my fears is to sit with them until I’m comfortable. And while the thought of being alone until I die is enough to make me break out in a cold sweat, it’s time for me to realize that a life without a man does not equal a life without love. Your happiness doesn't depend entirely on your relationship status. And to love myself more is another way to boost my self-esteem and worth, so that I would not be affected again.
And do not forget, as your friends couple up and marry off, it may seem like you’re doomed to live a lonely life with cats. But, you’re not (unless you want to be). This loneliness will not last forever. Don’t give in to bitterness and let your life flourish. I may need to stengthten my mind first before anything ~
Additionally, this is what I found, hopefully it can help you as well if you ever had feelings or struggling like me:
1. Accept it.
If all of your friends are coupling up or getting married, you need to accept it. No, it doesn’t feel good to be “left behind,” but singleness hardly makes you a victim, so don’t act like one. I’m not going to tell you that one day soon you’ll get married, because I’m not God. But statistically speaking, you probably will get married some day. And when you do, you’re going to want your closest girlfriends around to support and encourage you. Accept their happiness and they will certainly return the favor.
2. Grieve
No one expects you to talk about boyfriends, weddings and babies 24/7 without feeling sad at times. Additionally, your friendships with these gals may be changing, and that’s kind of sad too. So let yourself be sad. Good friends will make an effort to truly understand and love you through it.
3. Check your worth.
Your friends are not finding relationships and getting married because they’re smarter, prettier, luckier, skinnier or more successful than you. It just doesn’t work that way. No, your friends are finding relationships and getting married because that is how life unfolded for them. And you’re single because of the way your life is unfolding. Your self-worth is not dependent upon your relationship status. Please don’t forget that.
4. Make the most of it.
When you are married with three kids hanging all over you (because statistically speaking, that probably will happen, remember?), you’ll look back on your single days fondly. So make the most of them. And instead of pining after what your friends have, fully enjoy what you have. Right now.
5. Own your jealousy.
If you’re feeling jealous, admit it. No, you don’t need to tell your married friends about your jealousy, unless you really want to. But it’s good to tell someone. Feelings like jealousy cause us to feel a lot of shame and the only way to break through shame is to be open about it. Find someone to talk to. It’s not a fun emotion to feel, but jealousy points to what we desire in our own lives. So be honest about your jealousy, not scared of it. And if it’s a part of your truth right now, own it.
6. Know the difference between feelings and actions.
This was my biggest mistake, folks. I thought that since I felt crappy, I was allowed to act crappy. WRONG! It’s one thing to vent your frustrations to your friends, but it’s quite another to treat them badly because you’re upset. Find healthy ways to deal with your jealousy and sadness and don’t drive all of your friends away with negativity and bitterness. No one likes hanging out with that kind of friend.
7. Find some single friends! (At least ONE.)
Every single gal needs a fabulous sidekick to journey through the bumps and joys of singleness. When I got stood up for a date, Nora took me out. When I went to my fifth wedding of the season with no date, Melissa texted me and kept me company during the down times. These ladies understood my life because they were going through similar experiences. Don’t ditch your old friends, but try to find some new ones. Sip wine, go dancing, and have fun. Be there for each other.
I wish all those coupled friends would understand the struggle of us and please be considerate enough.
Cheers!
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