Giving up Needs Courage

Once again, I've decided to just let it go, the same person, almost a year ago.

It was during this time, that I know this person, H, and how time flies so fast. Maybe some of you have noticed, a series of my heart to heart confession in this blog, on how I move on from my past heartbreak from P. It took me almost 1,5 years to move on from him, from end of December 2015 up to June 2017. If I didn't know H, I guess I would still be in that dark hole. I was blaming myself from the past failures and mistakes. I was insecure to the point I was blaming myself for the situation that may not actually be under my control. 

Thanks to H, that I am able to let go all the embarrassment and understand that there are some situation that cannot be mend and the only thing you could do is to let it go and no point in blaming myself. You are complete the way you are. It may not be about me, but about him. 

This time, I know I'm really head over heels for H, though he is someone I've never had the chance to meet in person. Maybe it was my imagination and my expectation on how he is in person. But, I would say, I feel connected to him based on common ideas, common outlook towards life, common value systems, and similar views on important issues. I feel there is no need for me to explain more about things that bothered me, and he would just understand what I'm feeling and being able to comfort me with just few words. Seriously, he is someone I look up to, for being able to be independent and goal-driven type of person.

Maybe that's true, there is no point of continuing into a relationship if you are in different cities either for short term or long term. If there is no plan on moving in the future, it won't work no matter how much and how strong you feel the attraction and connection. 

Starting off a long distance relationship is hard, but I guess saying it hard is a bit unfair. It's about choice - whether you would want to go based on your feeling or based on your logic. I've been telling him about moving there, but I guess his logic wins him over - which of course I concluded that there will be no -me- in his "planned picture". I know he's been saying that I should come there for a visit as there is a huge probability that I would love living there, but hey, what I need is your effort, your sincere attitude towards me, whether there's any feeling more than just friend. 

But that's okay, I can understand from his point of view, relationship requires much work and if I were to be with him, it would cost us much money and time as well. And of course I know his priority right now might not be about relationship. Sure he wants to get married one day, but not because of the sake of getting married, he wants to get married out of love with the right person at the right time. Maybe I am not the right person for him and maybe we meet not in the right time. And so, I've decided to let him go once again. It's hard for me to continue on pursuing this person if he has no intention on going further.

To be honest, I have such a big hope that God would let me be with him - if destiny really allows us to be together. But there is no guarantee it would work. As of now, I guess, it'll be hard for me to stop liking him or even stop thinking about him. I would just day by day trying not to think about him, to let him go and slowly but surely forget about him, and let God do the rest while also living my life.

In the end, giving up needs courage. You gotta be strong enough to let go and really live your life.
In this chance, I would like to say thanks to H, for appearing in my life and teaching me how to enjoy and live my life to the fullest. Everytime I talk to you, you always remind me to really look at myself, on how much actually I love myself and how much I really need to improve as a person.