Last weekend, I had quite much time to think and evaluate myself and I just stumbled into an article about the fear of dating, why it happened and how to deal with that.
Some of my female friends have virtually never been single. The moment they are, a new great guy scoops them up. They not only have zero trouble landing a man, but they’re keeping their men interested, too (which ofcourse at times I do wonder what kind of magic they use).
Other female friends of mine are single by choice. They’re essentially never rejected. They date around, they’re wanted by many, and if anyone’s rejecting anyone, it’s them rejecting the men – rarely the other way around. And sometimes that's me (well, sometimes).
And then there’s the women who seem to always get rejected. These women might not be single by choice, and if they are, it’s only because of their fear of rejection. Their pattern seems to be that even if they do land a man, he’ll lose interest quickly. Or, they can’t even seem to get a man interested in them in the first place, as they’re always turned down when they attempt any sort of pursuit.
To my own reality, it's not to that extreme to be honest. I've always taught to identify everything in black or white, which one is right or wrong, subconsciously. It's from our early education that we should categorize everything in the exact area. With social pressures and past experiences (either looking from others' experiences or my own), I feel the need to make a good choice. There's no space for failure. It's like choosing the right career path for my life - the same goes for a relationship. I want it to work from the first attempt so that there's no need for heartache. But relationship cannot be that ideal, isn't it?
In the past, I've invested my time and energy on the wrong guy. Maybe he's not over his ex-girlfriend or maybe he’s very recently single or the woman he really wants turned him down, and that makes him not available. But I just can't seem to see that, which ofcourse I pick the wrong men. That's silly.
But that's the pattern I've been doing for the past few years. But why?
Then it comes out a good article, which I think I can relate to it much more than I understand myself;
"If you’ve been rejected by men a bunch of times, and you’ve developed a fear of rejection, you might be avoiding the dating world all together. If you’re used to being rejected and disregarded, you might unconsciously seek out rejection because it’s what you’re familiar with. If you’re seeking rejection without realizing it, you could have a psychological attachment to rejection.
When you identify yourself with disappointment, disapproval and rejection, you can develop what’s known as a rejection attachment. Some of the women reading this article are guilty of ignoring the men who are interested in them, and instead going after the men who don’t seem to be that interested.
Perhaps this is proof of a rejection attachment. They know they’ll likely get turned down since the men they’re pursuing aren’t showing any signs of approval or interest towards them, but since rejection is what they know, they’re okay with it. They’re swimming in familiar territory, and it’s weirdly comfortable.
Women with a rejection attachment probably believe that they are undesirable, so they collect evidence that supports that belief. This evidence-gathering would of course include seeking out approval from those who aren’t willing to give them any sort of validation, and pursuing those who aren’t fully returning their affections."
In which finally I realize that's so true. I should really work on the self-esteem issues which ofcourse, loving onself is a must before anything else. Why should I seek for other's validation? But to be honest, when I got that validation, all my insecurity issues disappear like wind.
Maybe that's true, after being rejected, ghosted out many times and terrible dating experiences, I realize sometimes it can be tough to be optimistic about dating. Thinking that you are not good enough develop a negative attitude towards dating, which is not good. Negativity is a bad habit that needs to be broken. I swear I should really work on that.
I realized that relationship is based on trial and error, which we should try to see whether we fit with each other. But the thing is that, I may not ready for that. I may not be brave enough to take the risk for another heartache. It's like I've developed the fear of dating over the past few years. I am sure there will be one day when things gonna work and my fear of dating would just turn into another force to get out form that hiding place or when the other person can ensure me that the relationship itself is worth taking risk for although it's really difficult to communicate that fear to someone you are not close to in the first place. But in the mean time, I should not just sit around without doing anything right?
I know the source of my fear now, and I should really putting myself out there. The more “no”s I experience, the closer I’ll get to a “yes”. It’s the magic of probability. In other words, the more dates I go on that don’t work out, or the more times I am being rejected, the closer I are to finding someone that it does work out with.
Besides, I should work on the self-esteem issues and positivity towards relationship. There were times when I write this article that push me to seek for psychologist help. But I guess, I found out what I really need to do at this moment, don't you think?
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