Insecurity & Learning How To Love

I believe this topic is really important in today's society yet rarely being talked directly upon.

Most of us feel insecure sometimes, but some of us feel insecure most of the time. The kind of childhood you had, past traumas, recent experiences of failure or rejection, loneliness, social anxiety, negative beliefs about yourself, perfectionism, or having a critical parent or partner can all contribute to insecurity. Here's three big type of insecurity

Type 1: Insecurity Based on Recent Failure or Rejection

Recent events in our lives can greatly affect both our mood and the way we feel about ourselves. Research on happiness suggests that up to 40% of our “happiness quotient” is based on recent life events. The biggest negative contributor to happiness is the ending of a relationship, followed by the death of a spouse, job loss, and negative health events. Since unhappiness also influences your self-esteem, failure and rejection can deliver a double whammy to your confidence. And those of us who have lower self-esteem to begin with are more reactive to failure. It’s as if an experience like losing your job grabs old negative beliefs about your self-worth and activates them.

Type 2: Lack of Confidence Because of Social Anxiety

Many of us experience a lack of confidence in social situations like parties, family gatherings, interviews, and dates. The fear of being evaluated by others—and found to be lacking—can lead you to feel anxious and self-conscious. As a result, you may avoid social situations, experience anxiety when you anticipate social events, or feel self-conscious and uncomfortable during them. Past experience can feed your sense of not belonging, not feeling important or interesting, or just not being good enough. 

Type 3: Insecurity Driven by Perfectionism

Some of us have very high standards for everything we do. You may want the highest grades, the best job, the perfect figure, the most beautifully decorated apartment or house, neat and polite kids, or the ideal partner. Unfortunately, life doesn’t always turn out exactly the way we want, even if we work extra hard. There is a piece of the outcome that is at least to some degree out of our control. Bosses may be critical, jobs may be scarce, partners may resist commitment, or you may have genes that make it difficult to be skinny. If you are constantly disappointed and blaming yourself for being anything less than perfect, you will start to feel insecure and unworthy. While trying your best and working hard can give you an advantage, other aspects of perfectionism that are unhealthy. Beating up on yourself and constantly worrying about not being good enough can lead to depression and anxiety, eating disorders, or chronic fatigue.

Perfectionists often have conditional self-esteem: They like themselves when they are on top and dislike themselves when things don't go their way. 

After so many years of being single, I found myself involved with someone. The idea of someone new coming into your life is kinda special for me. I thought I was matured enough to handle relationship, to care for someone and being part of each other life. So what was my expectation from a relationship? Thinking hard, I expect a maturity in being together, to grow together either it is physically, mentally, spiritually and financially. I always thought when you love and are happy with yourself, everything else will fall into your life. Then I assumed, when I found my special someone, that means I am happy with my life and will continue to be happy. They said, when you love yourself enough, then love will come to you.

But to be honest, finding your special someone requires you to take a step back, to really analyze yourself whether you are truly happy with yourself. And for my case, I did. I am happy with my life at that point in time. I learn how to be able to enjoy my own companion, to be comfortable with my own self and being my best self without pretending to be someone else. When I met him, I thought I do not need to concern about loving myself anymore. Yet, learning how to love and stay in love with yourself is a lifetime learning. I believe by learning how to love yourself first then you will know how to love others, period. 

Once in a while, my insecurity comes and sometimes I forget how I value myself. One of the cases is when I thought I was mature enough not to think about his ex-girlfriend or any other girls, but after looking at social media consistently, I found myself unconciously comparing myself to them. That's not healthy I know. I thought I won't care much about the past, but sometimes those feelings would just come. It was hard for me to process those thoughts.

I kept thinking, why those thoughts come across occasionally? Is that because of he does not treat me in a good way or does not show his love for me? What was lacking in our relationship? 

I realized that everything is good actually. That's me being subjective and assume that he does not care for me, even though he cares for me a lot. I assumed that I am not important to him. I assumed myself that I am not good enough, that he will leave me alone one day.  

Those kind of inner critic and negative self-talk is something I need to get rid of. I always thought that my insecurity comes from being rejected from my past experience, yet if one day I finally found my special someone, everything would be alright. But let me tell you one important thing, THAT'S NOT THE CASE. Your insecurity do not come from outside situation or condition. It's within you that you have to look inside.

I realize those insecure feelings usually stems from my low self-esteem which comes from all the insecurities and constant comparing. But why should you compare an apple to a banana? It does not have any point, right?

"What's not so good about you that is good about other person?" That's when I realize, there is nothing not good about me. Then what's the point of comparing now?

The past is already in the past and that person may no longer part of your life and you should instead do not bother with its existence anymore. That person was in the past, so there is a great deal of reasons why the relationship ends and why he/she choose to be with you now. And I need to trust that. Then I read this and it resonates with me the most;

“I learned that one of the most vulnerable parts of loving someone is trusting that they love you back, and I need to be generous in my assumptions.” (Brene Brown, Rising Strong)

That left me that if I like someone, means I need to trust that other person that he likes me too. And to be generous in my assumption is that by trusting the best possible scenario instead of worrying about the worst.

I used to keep all thoughts in me and never speak out what I wanted or needed. But he managed to get me to speak out what I feel and why I feel like that. By being open and vulnerable, I told him what I have been feeling and what I hope for the future. 

I realize that instead of making a lot of assumptions, I need to be able to communicate better what I want and learning how to love.
I realize then that I have to tame down my self critic and let the past be my lesson instead of my enemy. I learn it the hard way that;

I am worthy.
I do not need someone else's opinion about me.
I am good and complete.
I accept my imperfect self.
I love myself.
I feel happy by being my own self.
I feel loved and cared for.
I am important.

That's when I think working on self-esteem issues is really important. Try to focus on what you can do better as a person instead of comparing to others. Here is what you can do:

1. Stop Comparing and Start Believing in Yourself.

Everyone's life is different. You cannot compare an apple to an orange. Comparison is unfair to start with. You cannot compare your beginning to someone's middle. Even if you compare strength to strength, there will always be those who are better, and those who are worse.

Try to be aware of when you start comparing yourself to others … once you’ve developed this awareness, try this trick: stop yourself. Tell yourself, “Stop that!” And then start thinking about all the things you DO have, the things you love, the people you have, the blessings that life has given you. Make this a regular practice, and you’ll start to be happier with your life.

2. Accept Yourself for What You Really Are

Can you learn to like yourself even when you are not doing well? Focus on inner qualities like your character, sincerity, or good values, rather than just on what grades you get, how much you get paid, or how many people like you.

3. Count Your Blessings

A better focus is on what you do have, on what you are already blessed with. Count what you have, not what you don’t. Think about how lucky you are to have what you have, to have the people in your life who care about you, to be alive at all.

4. Be OK with imperfection. 

No one is perfect — intellectually, we all know that, but emotionally we seem to feel bad when we don’t reach perfection. You aren’t perfect and you never will be. I certainly am not, and I’ve learned to be OK with that. Sure, keep trying to improve, but don’t think you’ll ever be the “perfect person”. If you look at it in a different way, that imperfection is what makes you who you are, you already are perfect.

We tend to be our own harshest critics. My best friend always tells me to be kind to myself and let go certain control and idealism. But that's true, I am the one who used to set such high standard on my own self. My idealistic way of thinking wants every single thing to be under my control. Perfectionism is a really a real deal. I always said to myself that I have to learn how to accept there are things that out of my control and try to be perfect is impossible because no one is perfect. I knew it, yet I might need some reminder, sometimes. 

5. Learn to Love Enough

If you always want what others have, you will never have enough. You will always want more. That’s an endless cycle, and it will never lead to happiness. No matter how many clothes you buy, no matter how many houses you own (seven, in the case of one famous candidate), no matter how many fancy cars you acquire … you’ll never have enough. Instead, learn to realize that what you have is already enough. If you have shelter over your head, food on the table, clothes on your back, and people who love you, you are blessed. You have enough. Anything you have over and above that — and let’s admit that all of us reading this blog have more than that — is more than enough. Be good with that, and you’ll find contentment.

When it comes to your self-worth, only one opinion truly matters — your own. 

In the end, no matter what status you have, no matter what kind of job you do, happiness is something we found within. Our happiness does not depend on someone else or even someone else's opinion about you. We should feel complete by ourself and loving ourself is not a one time off lesson, as it is a lifetime learning. 

Let's have a more positive way of thinking ~

“To love is to stop comparing.” – Bernard Grasset

“Don't think about forever. Think about today. And whenever you are together. Focus on how you can validate, respect, appreciate and care for one another. And what a wonderful love you have created, When you think a love that will last forever, you tend to forget to focus on the now...and that's how love dies. The most important purpose of the relationship is for you to become a more loving person.”