It took quite a while to remember all the happy days during the past three years together - while the hurtful moments stays vividly for quite some time. We always focuses more on memories that left a big impact on us. If I could go back in time, maybe I would tell myself not to focus on the hurtful things instead on my attitude towards positive view.
That relationship is my first one ever. I, who had past traumas of being ghosted many times had made a hole in my self-esteem, produced insecurity either physically or mentally, and had trust issue. I never learn how to be vulnerable, to be open and to say my opinions too. I am always afraid of being judged not good enough, not cheerful enough, not lovable enough, not enjoyable enough, not beautiful enough, not sexy enough, and afraid of being left off without any explanation.
I spent many years on self-love, trying to give myself a break, to care for my own needs and to know what's best for myself. I become the best version of me. I give vibes on who I am when I first met that person. It didn't take a while for us to date each other seriously. I know, from the first time, he is always serious with me and like me for who I really am - and that's what I am always grateful for, for his straight-forward attitude, being open and true, having vision on our relationship.
Along the way, I caught up with comparison disease. Always comparing my relationship with what I see on social media. I always thought that's the indication of normal and that's what it should be - never more, never less. However, my boyfriend is not a romantic kind of guy. He is cool, never compliment me, but always stay true to what he means to say. It took me quite a while to get used to it - of course, there were times when I made a complaint why he never bought me flowers, compliment how I dress or being romantic for once. But, that's him. Whatever how many times I make complaint, he's always him, never change. To be honest, when I am sane enough, I prefer a guy who is more of an actionable kind of guy, rather than a guy with only sweet words. I am not an influencer and I do not have any obligation to show the world how in love my boyfriend with me. There are things that is best to keep private.
Sometimes, when my period came, I became more sensitive and emotional. There were times I do not love myself and thought about what I lack as a person. It stirred my insecurity, moreover when my boyfriend never compliments me, it took a big toll on me, specially on my insecurity, whether I am good enough, whether my boyfriend really love me, whether he is serious with me. However, my boyfriend never compares me and still love me specially on time when I do not love and even understand myself. Thanks, honey.
Perhaps some people would be similar to me as in, while being in a relationship, I do not make room nor chance for a break-up (which in fact what I am afraid the most). I always want to strive my best in everything. I want everything to workout. But during the first 6 months of relationship, we didn't know what could happen right? It is not under our control, but as I am a control-freak, I wanted to make sure every bits of our relationship could last and move to the next level. With my idealism, I caught up with what I always thought it should be and didn't make room for other options. It was hard for me to deal with my idealism at that time - until finally I learnt it the hard way. I knew I was too naïve for wanting something according to my idealistic view. Besides, I am also prone to overthink. Once overthinking strikes, my brain could make a lot of possible stories which induced what I am afraid of. Overthinking kills your happiness.
After many, many, and many arguments and reconciliation, I become a better person right now. I went through trauma healing as well getting to know myself even better. The most important thing I guess is communication. Deep communication between the couple to let their opinions out. I learnt not to assume and let my imagination run wild. I learnt to put myself in his shoes. I learnt to manage my expectation and see the bright sight in everything. I learnt to put a stop on my overthinking self and see the present situation now. My boyfriend also learnt something, to always communicate clearly what he wants too. That way, no matter how many challenges come to us, we are always hand-in-hand together. Nothing beats us, nothing affects us. With many challenges and along with the time, our feeling and trust grows. We become each other's best supporter and company.
Right after 2 years after our relationship, he proposed to me officially. Actually, after 6 months of dating, we talked about getting married, how much we should prepare for it and within how long we could afford it. In the first place, we talk about 3 years duration as we could not afford to pay for a grand wedding. Yet, I proposed to hold an intimate wedding in 2 years duration, rather than waiting for millions, yet the wedding price slowly increases year by year. Sadly, pandemic hits us hard - no wedding celebration was allowed and we are still unsure as to when the pandemic will end. No one can be sure of it. If we postponed the wedding until the situation gets better, we lost a lot of time too. We knew time is precious, as our age also increases, our parents too. It's better to go forward with the wedding instead of waiting for something we don't know, while everyone is here as well. Thus, with a lot of discussion, we decided to get married.
The journey may not be easy, like you just go to the civil registration to get your marriage be done there. We need religious blessing, specially Catholic Blessing, there were some criteria to be done. Besides, we both were looking for a place to stay.
Started off from looking for a place to live after getting married - we filtered out area in Jakarta and decided to choose between 2 areas, near his house of mine. Mine is not in cluster area, thus more of a traditional residential area. Maybe the girls are like me - I do not want to live too far from my current home, so that I can see my parents once in a while. But the land price near my home is surprisingly expensive - while there were no facilities around the area.
The story of looking for a place to stay had a little bit of drama. At that time, we do not have enough money for down payment, which make it impossible to get married and also have a house. So I suggested to live with our parents first. If his home could not afford one more person, then we could live in my parent's home. But as his principle is different than mine, he strived on looking for a place. Meanwhile, I almost gave up and couldn't handle the situation well. I questioned why we have to live near his home, but not mine. Even though, I am aware of the logic behind it, but the explanation was not satisfying because at that time, I wanted to be appreciated and my opinion to be taken into account. I do not mind actually if I need to live near his home. Not because his home are there, but the area itself is more convenient with facilities nearby. It took us quite a while before we reached an agreement and found a suitable place for us to live. Thank God, we found a good one, good place, good deal and good price.
The next ordeal is to decide the venue and most of the Chinese tradition. I thought by meetings two families, the official proposal from the family would be there. But again, learn to control my expectation. When two families met, they just got to know each other without saying the intention of the meeting, which of course made us very confused. We decided to make every process a bit more simple by not having Sangjit/Engagement ceremony. But due to lack of communication between me, my boyfriend and his family, there were misunderstanding along the way. By then, we knew, the problem was mostly because of communication - how we tell our parents and how we connect the two families into one. That's the real challenge because each families may have their own traditions and expectations. Both of our parents actually do not have much opinion on the wedding itself. They both let us handle it the way we want - what takes more effort is about the first meeting between families and how we should introduce both families. Should we hold onto traditions or just let it go. But we just follow what parents want if that is about traditions. After that, we decided the venue after so much consideration while thinking what WE really wants.
To reach the goal, the journey may not be easy, specially for Catholic Holy Matrimony, as I need to take catechumen to study about Catholic for 8-9 months before getting baptized. That one took a period from April 2021 till January 2022. I, who never know the process, had to call each Church to ask for the schedule. Some of them are closed but I finally found one. After that, to process our religious blessing ceremony, we need to book a Church for our holy matrimony blessing. But the process does not end there - we need to apply for marriage class program or we call it "Membangun Rumah Tangga (MRT)" at the maximum 6 months before the wedding date. We wanted to finish our wedding planning, yet for Church administration can only be done from 6 months towards the big day. How crazy it was, while we have a lot to handle.
The MRT class was for 2 full days from morning till evening. After that, we need to file for administration purposes for marriage to the Church by submitting several documentation. That documentation has to go through several steps, from updated baptized certificate, until statement letter from the neighborhood's leader. After the Church received the file, they will book a date for Canonic with a priest. Canonic is like an investigation by the priest, whether we can be blessed for Catholic marriage or not. The priest will ask question regarding the couple and each had to answer honestly. Long process, right? But yeah, we did it TOGETHER and we get the approval to get married.
To be honest, during that long process and wedding preparation, there were times that I get so stress - what's stressful is how to blend two families into one. Marriage is not only about the union of two people, but also union of two families. When I look back, maybe because I thought long already and wanted to get things done, but the family hasn't even thought about it. So, that's why communication is really important during wedding preparation, I believe. We have our own expectation but also our parents. I learnt how to communicate what I want and manage my parents expectation as well.
There will be times when things are complicated, because both of us manage a lot of things during wedding preparation. Besides in our case, we also manage house renovation, while we both do not understand one bit about construction, thus we learn something new as well. We had our own works, yet have to organize many things, of course there will be some stressful moment. I guess, what my friend said is true - there will be moments when you guys lack of quality time together, had arguments on wedding preparation, or extreme case, even about postponing the wedding reception. All of that could happen, but remember what's important is that you want to get married to your soulmate and spend the rest of your life with him/her. And that's the most important one. Instead of focusing on arguments, it's better to enjoy the moment because it's once in a lifetime experience on wedding preparation. Try to find a time for quality time and talk things heart to heart.
It's happening! Hopefully the wedding will go smoothly, Amen.
Cheers~
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