Sometimes You Risk and Lose

When you find out that they chose someone else to build a life with, to start an actual relationship with, your stomach turns. You feel like you’re going to throw up. Tears spring from your eyes because you don’t understand.

You didn’t see this coming. At all. So many questions race around your brain and you can’t fucking breathe because they were supposed to choose you.

They were supposed to choose you, right?

Why didn’t they? What makes her or him any better than you? What makes them different or more special than you? What did they do that sucked this person in? What magical powers do they possess that you never had?

What did you do wrong? Yesterday, everything was perfectly fine. Yesterday, he or she called and chatted with you. They kissed you and you stood on your tip toes giddy with the thought of a forever with them.

But now those butterflies have flown away. Your almost relationship has turned to dust. To nothing.

‘What if’s’ and question marks dance around your mind and you can’t bring yourself to calm down. You see the text or the picture or the relationship status change, and you want to scream but no sound ever comes out.

You feel defeated. Like you lost the game. Like you lost someone who you could’ve fallen for. Like you lost a part of you.

You sit on your apartment carpet floor trying to figure it out. Trying to know when they started pulling away from you. Trying to figure out what the hell you did to make them go for someone else. Trying to understand what went on in their heads when they decided to be official with someone else.

You still don’t know how it happened.

You call your best friends screaming at the phone. You call your other friends because you don’t know what else to do other than cry on the floor. You feel pathetic. You feel so dumb. So naive. So stupid. You call your mom. She doesn’t have any words of wisdom, so you hang up and cry some more.

You feel like the time spent with this person was a complete joke. Like it was a waste of your time. How did they play you so well? Why did they do it? Just to hurt you? Just to make a statement?

But then your best friend tells you that he kind of sucked anyway. He smoked too much weed. He was too sarcastic. He wasn’t even that cute. He wasn’t nice to all your friends. He always seemed sketchy.

You roll your eyes, but a tiny part of you agrees.

Maybe you were blinded by lust or love or whatever. Maybe you just wanted to feel something for someone because it had been so long. Maybe it’s for the best. Maybe these two people belong together. Maybe he or she never liked you anyways. Maybe they just thought you were pretty. Maybe they just thought you were cool for a couple of weeks.

Or maybe this is just some twisted, fucked up learning experience. Maybe this is just what you needed. To get you out of your daydream. To get you back into the real world.

I don’t know if there’s anything to learn from this, truth be told. It stings. It hurts. You feel like you are worthless. But let me tell you something, you are lovable. You are worth more than this person.

You are worth someone who gives a shit.

And this person clearly never did.

"Sometimes you risk and lose, and THAT'S PERFECTLY OKAY" - Anonymous

I just wanted to tell you this one important thing. It's okay to cry every once in a while, but life must go on. Past can only be a past. At least you still have yourself to love. 

Cheers.