I had free time to finally clean up my drawers - which has lots of memories from elementary school till universities. For a brief moment, I can see myself during those years back and I would say, it's a little bit embarrassing but, for who I am now, is because of those memories and experiences. Thus, past is all in the past, just gonna read it through once, made a note for things I should remember and discard it, as it would only be part of memories - nothing more. Maybe one day, I would look back at it again and laugh freely for how cute I was.
I was born exactly 25 years ago from a loving Mom & Dad. My childhood memories are pretty much more than a happy kid with lots of free time doing some swimming, puzzling, reading, singing and also drawing. My fave song is, "Cintaku padamu...takkan berubah" which I never know who the singer is and the title of the song. In whatever case, Dad, Mom and Cite always said I kept singing that song whenever I got a chance. One day, we moved from Grandma's home to our new home and that's where everything starts to create a history.
For a six years old girl, new school was something a bit scary at first. I still remember Mom brought me for the first time when I entered elementary school. I had no friend at all, and Mom suddenly just dropped me with the other two girl, who happened to be my best friend later on, Sherly Pudjianto and Irena Mulyadi. We always hang out together and pretty much went to school happily. I also had a fun time studying for exams and it turns out I made it to first rank, defeating the smartest student in class, Stefanus Alfindho (is the name correct?). However, even though I got pretty much good grades, love is something new for me. I don't even know what it feels to like someone and such. One day, when the three girls were playing happily, there is this one naughty boy, who took my handkerchief and almost push me out of the staircase. He always picked up on me till I asked Mom, why there is a boy who teased me all the way. Mom said maybe he liked me and tried to gain my attention. That's when I started to pay attention to him. It turns out he became my crush for the next 6 years of elementary school. Crazy right? It still remember we used to exchange text messages as I am not the typical brave girl who can talk directly in front of the guy she likes. I think during the second up to fifth year, I struggled much on study and also on him. As during those times, every girl at school seems to always talk about dating. Why dating was introduced that early, Gosh!
When I entered fifth year, he started to date someone. There is no wonder why, because he's always been my crush and he was nominated to be one of the most popular guy at school. So much alike to dramas. I started to study far better after letting him go, and while I was paying my attention to something else, there's a guy, Mr. B who happened to suddenly confessed his feelings for me. I like him as a friend, but no more than that, thus I rejected him. Maybe that's the first time I got such confession. In the end, he dated someone else during high school and was on the hottest news at that time. I studied much till sixth grade and finally date someone, for the first time in my life. The feeling was mutual, but we broke up not too long as I think I am not ready for any kind of romantic interactions. I was not used to to chocolates, flowers, dolls, attentions and such. I had a long thought about this and would always want to clear up to him, but never got the chance as we still keep contact as childhood friends, still jokes around like we used to had and sometimes hang out together. He is still single up to now, like me. Funny, right? Besides, we lived in the same neighborhood and our parents know each other quite well. I hope he won't think that he is not good enough as it was me who is not ready at that time - not because he did something wrong.
I graduated elementary school with a winning prize of number one rank among the student for final exams. I never expect it was me who got the prize. Even I was shocked to learn that fact. When my name was mentioned, I had totally no idea and it would always be a very nice surprise in my memory about elementary school. Because of this, I always strive for my best on my study, from high school up to university. I am not the smartest, but I am quite diligent thus, allowing me to have good grades.
During junior high school, I was closed to one guy, who is the smartest at school. He would always called my home number and we would chat and do homework together by phone. Even sometimes exchange few texts messages. I admired him and decided one day to tell him what I really felt for him. My feeling was replied as "I like you too as my precious best friend" which sounds to me as a "yes" at that time because I had no experience. I learnt that it was a rejection by time because he dated our junior at school which completely broke my heart. I cried many times, specially when
I knew he wanted to study abroad. I cut my hair very short to get over him and finally I did it. I threw him far away, made a promise to myself to never cry because of a guy, to never fall for someone and to only focus on study.
I entered Senior High School with a totally new environment. The first year was pretty hard for me and I had pretty much funny experience from having some interest on some guys which eventually
I wondered why (I forgot their names). As I tend to move on pretty quickly, things started to change,
I didn't know it back then, but what I had experienced was bullying which thankfully got society attention nowadays. The first year was really hard for me, I went to school without having any friends. Well, I had actually but that doesn't count as close friends for an introvert like me. I grew up with a lot of insecurities at that time. I kept thinking about friendship, whether something was wrong with me, and what I could do is to escape reality by having big interest towards Taiwanese Dramas, K-dramas and Taiwanese Actors. I joined many forums, made some friends online and it happened that my escape way helped me a lot. When I moved to second year, I entered Science Class, worried that I might be on the same class with the one who bullied me, I asked Mom to call school and thank God, I was on different class with him. That year, I joined a group of girls and boys, which is pretty much like any other gangs, gossiped here and there, had some crushes towards this or that boy. There's this one guy on the group who happened to have pretty close friendship with me. I thought there must be something, but it turned out totally nothing - though we lost contact after graduated.
Because I don't feel that I fitted quite well, I drew some distance from that group. I focused on my study, no more gossiping, only focus on study - which eventually lead me to meet my best friend till now and I am blessed that she wanted to be friend with me for who I am, no matter what happened to me in the past and to never judge me for what I did. At first it all started because she sat in front of me - we exchanged our homework, till it happened that she told me her story. She's the first person who opened my heart to trust someone again and I am blessed to have such friendship who supports each other by giving positive thoughts everywhere. We hang out pretty much here and there and everyone always thinks we are couples.
As national exams got closer, we had to study even harder. Some universities came to our school and there is Fortelation event which were held regularly every year. It happened that I had a super big crush with my Senior, who studied Engineering at ITB. It was pretty cute for me to think about it because at that time, there is no texting like nowadays. We used to chat via msn, exchange text messages and the cute one is that, even though I didn't get much reply via messages, I still like him though. I went to Bandung many times during that time, but never ever got a chance to meet up with him ever again. The girls knew I had someone I like and everytime there's guy who happened to get close to me, the girls would say I had someone in mind already. When I had school break for Christmas, I travelled to Xiamen for winter camp study. That is where I met with a super complicated fling. It took few days to get over him thankfully because we are on totally different city. I remember his name was B, a guy I met during winter camp - who is the most absurd person I ever met. The one who did a confession only after 2 hours of meeting during Christmas Eve. Crazy right, but still a funny experience and memory to remember. That was the first time I received a 7 pages of messages for a confession. If I could turn back to that time, I don't know myself what so interesting about me. As I told you before, I grew up with many insecurities, I don't know about makeup at that time so that's the only time when eyebrow pencil hasn't been found. If I looked myself at that time, it's funny how I could go through such time as I am not confident in myself. Maybe I was happy doing my own thing and that's where the positive energy gave certain sparks to others.
National exams took place, there is no such thing as having a crush and such because your future is on the line. I took exams for universities, explored many things I would like to do in the future, which I ended up choosing Singapore to make a fresh new start. In my lifetime, I guess this is the most spectacular time having such freedom, meeting new friends who feels a lot like family. I love this time the most. I feel appreciated and it boosts my self-esteem. I learnt how to join an organization, how to socialize with people and I gained my confidence though it is not a smooth journey - some conflicts with best friend but we ended up as sister & brother for life. I focused on my study for the all the years I was in Singapore. There's only one time I had a major fling for a NUS guy, from Surabaya who performed on a musical and I admired his performance a lot. I decided to add him on Facebook and we talked pretty much a lot. There's one time when I decided to come to another musical performance and it happened that I saw him from a far. I noticed that he saw me but I avoided my eyes on him and that's where I shouldn't have done that! But what can I do when my life is all about study? With my last experience of crying over someone, I had decided not to easily let my guard down. Maybe it's just a fling I would say, a temporary feeling, but the word of love never come to my thought and never been in my consideration. I was happily living my life, I guess.
It's hard for me to meet someone I feel a strong connection with. When I finally came back home and started to work, my life was at constant speed. Since it's been a long time for me, I am not good at picking up certain hints. I would consider all the excuses as pure friendship only, while dating world seems far from me - specially the casual one. I remembered I had a close friend from University.
He dated my friend from university for about 2 years while suddenly he started to text me every day and we would chat till morning, that was because I worked till late. I noticed his intention that time, but I wouldn't want to be with someone at that time. It was around end of 2013, like almost a year since I started to work, I found someone I am curious about. I knew it would not lead to anywhere, it's just that I am curious enough and finally got his name & number. It would always be me who initiate the conversations, as I am curious enough and I don't like that fact. One day when texted me first, I had moved out from my previous client and already got over him - because I know, when I like someone so much, that's when they started to disappear. Nah, with that experience, maybe it would be hard in the future.
Years goes by, pretty much nothing happened during 2014 till November 2015, when I had finally met someone I felt a very strong connection with. We started off pretty much in a good direction, as we met for the first time on a wedding party. I felt as if he is someone too good to be true to happen on me. He asked me to take picture with him together, exchanged our phone number, to meet again the next day before he went back to China. I could see his effort in maintaining the so-called relationship, though long distance, but we hit off pretty well. He would text me almost everyday consistently and asked how my days was genuinely. We would share everything as if we are in some sort of commitment. But, I am always afraid to seriously consider dating. I realized that I had commitment issues, afraid to take a step forward and get hurt, and ended up taking him for granted. At that time, I would never want to officially be in a relationship if I am not sure about it.
Long distance is hard, feelings can change overnight, and when I started to open my heart and accept him for who he is, he suddenly disappeared like a bubble. It took me for about 1,5 years to get over him and I had a long thought that maybe I would never be able to like someone this much, to really feel this strong of connection. During the moving on journey, I would say there are few who comes and go, but never had it been that strong like I used to feel.
I hesitated a lot, I thought a lot, if I thought, the relationship would not go anywhere, I would not even consider entering in the first place. I'd better be single rather than be with someone I had less connection with.
To look back to ten years ago, I realized that I was easily blinded when I was in a little girl. Everything seems to be my first in everything. I would want to try this and that which I ended up embarrassing myself instead and wasting a lot of energy for something not important. And so, when it comes to dating, I believe, if it comes, then it is meant to be. If it's not, it won't come. I won't waste anymore energy for something not worth to wait.
