Today Only

Actually I've been wanting to write from months ago, but I end up delaying it day by day. Sometimes it's hard to start writting something. But today feels extra special with rain pouring down, romantic song plays on the corner of coffee shop with a cup of roasted green tea on my table. 

Society these days seems a bit too much sometimes. We are very used to certain kind of questions, "When are you getting married?", "Do you have boyfriend?", "Are you married?", "How many kids you have?". It really sounds like a normal question when we greets each other, or perhaps it was like a daily conversation to talk about. But let me tell you, you could have asked anything else, "How is your day?", or perhaps talking about something else, what happened in the newspaper or anything else. Well, I know it sounds stupid because we could ask anything about it. But for me personally, I wish they would stop asking until the person they ask that question is willing to share their life. Not because you are curious about them. It hurts their feeling and I know how that feels, because I've been wondering when and where the right person for me will eventually come. 

Stop asking women whether they are single or attached. Some of us choose to be single. Some of us are struggling to find the one and some of us are happily married. Stop asking when they will have a baby. Stop asking if they are pregnant. Some of us want to travel first. Some women want to hit career goals first. Some of them are struggling to get pregnant or having children at all. We all have our own time. Stop comparing and asking. It's rude and not your business at all.

I've been saying that my goal for 2019 is to fall in love and be in a relationship at least. It's not because I am picky and such type. But I do want to meet with someone who connects with my soul, feel attracted to his personality and as a person as a whole, rather than be with someone just because I want my goal to be fulfilled. I do know that I have some boxes to be checked before I consider them in the first place. Sometimes, it's hard to even give it a chance because certain area doesn't meet my expectations. I know I should have been more open about dating and knowing more people. I should.

There were few who come suddenly when I don't expect it most and it's confusing when the only thing I want is to focus on healing and loving oneself. I kept thinking whether I should give it a chance or cut them off completely from my life.

Some of my friends even colleagues gave my several advice which I think it makes sense and I should give it a try at least. Otherwise, I won't be able to know the differences. But my heart is heavy and this one person keeps bothering my mind, specially today. 

I kept thinking what the reason for us to meet at that time. Does it mean passing each other only? Or we are meant for each other? In this lifetime or another lifetime? Funny, but that's what I thought. I should have let him go and move on. I thought I did it, but sometimes that person just crossed my mind without even ask for permission. I tried to cut our connection as well, but sometimes he would just suddenly appear in my mind when there are things that connect me with the memories. Despite all the feelings, I still thank God because that person freed me from my past. 

They said, when it's meant to be, no matter how far we are, there is nothing can break the connection. Irony. I feel it's unfair to be honest for both of us. I really think it cannot end like this when we don't even start in the first place. I just can't give up like this. It's unfair for me to give up on that feeling when we both don't even know each other that well or maybe it's the wrong time.

Maybe we should give it another shot. But things, once broken cannot be mend. I know it. If things are meant for us, that person should have come to me, not being like this for almost a year. I know we are both in the process of healing, in the process of finding the right person and that's what attracts me most, because I feel like I saw my other self in that person.

I just hope time can turn around and make it possible for us to meet at least once more, so that we both know the true feeling. This is what I regret most, maybe it's really the wrong time. 

Even though I kept thinking how unfair it was, there is a pride I need to protect. Stop projecting. You meet a guy and you like him. You start to project your own thoughts on every little thing he does. You try really hard to look for signs if he likes you the same way. If he really likes you and wanna be with you, he’ll let you know. So stop projecting and avoid being disappointed when things don’t turn out the way you expected. You deserve all the love that is sure of you from the beginning. You deserve someone who is into you in the first place. That's what I kept telling myself. 

There is noo closure for sure, but yeah, I will learn to forgive him, let him go and move on. Healing takes time, sometimes I may bump into small memories like this but I should stand up and keep moving on. 

And if that's what best for me, I will surrender to God and let Him take charge of my life. It's only something that cross my mind today. I promise, only for today.